


I Choose This

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x7, Christmas, Cooking, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, SPN Holiday Mixtape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8779366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: They almost kissed, but he had to open his mouth and ruin it all. Dean wanted to fix it, and Christmas seemed like just the time to set things right. Hopefully, Cas can stop hunting Lucifer for long enough to join them at Jody's house for the holiday season.





	1. Angel Pie

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for the [SPN Holiday Mix Tape Challenge](http://holidaymixtape.tumblr.com/). You should check out the other works that have posted to this challenge. There's a lot of good stuff there. Lastly, thanks to the mods for making this challenge, the group in Crying Crew DM and the Agincourt DM for listening to me complain and worry. 
> 
> This fic takes place just after episode 12x7 and will contain minor spoilers to that point. In some ways, one could call this a long post 12x7 coda. Enjoy.

It had been two weeks since he’d messed things up, maybe for good. Dean sat in front of the TV and stared at the cooking show. They were making a holiday pie. He had a notepad balanced on his knee and a pen in his hand that he was tapping endlessly. Two weeks. He tried to focus on the directions, but it was simple enough. It was Angel Pie, and Dean got the irony of it 110%. 

 

He tried to focus though. The chef talked about whipping the meringue into peaks and how important it was to purchase fresh cream of tartar. Dean jotted that down. They had some old cream of tartar in the cabinet, but he needed to make sure this meal didn’t fail.  _ This won’t fix a thing. _ His thoughts knocked him down again. He knew a meal wouldn’t matter, not really anyway. Cas doesn’t even eat.  _ This is the worst idea in the universe. _ He focused on the TV again and pushed the thoughts aside.

 

Next the chef lined the baking dish in the meringue and popped it in the oven. The next step was to make the lemon curd. Dean felt confident that this was in his wheelhouse. His mind wandered again as the chef zested the lemon and set up the double boiler.  _ It’s not really about the meal. It’s about being together as a family. It’s about what that feels like, the belonging. _

 

Two weeks. They stood close to each other, breathing in the warm air that collected between them. Nothing like a little near death experience to make you realize how important some things are. Dean wasn’t sure who leaned in first or if it was even just one of them making all of the first moves. He remembered gripping Cas’ coat in his hands and holding him there. He also remembered why they didn’t kiss, why they only got close.  _ Couldn’t just keep my mouth shut. _

 

At first he told himself that it was for the best, but as the days passed, Dean had many opportunities to question that belief. Now here he was watching cooking programs on holiday meals and planning to make, of all things, an Angel Pie.

 

Sam wandered over to the couch with a small snort of a laugh. “Still watching cooking programs.”

 

Dean lifted the remote and muted the show. He didn’t want to interrupt the viewing, but he also didn’t need to have Sam hearing the name of the pie. He was certain that it would lead to more talking, and seriously, why did everyone think that he needed that? “Yeah, go away.”

 

Sam did the opposite and came around to the front of the couch, sat down, and set his long legs up on the coffee table. He leaned forward a bit and picked up his laptop off the side table and opened it. “You can unmute it. I won’t be bothered,” Sam tossed off as he logged onto his computer.

 

“You’ll be bothered less if you work in your room.” Dean didn’t unmute it. He saw though that the chef was talking a lot about the lemon curd and not actually making it. Dean wondered if he was missing some vital details. An apple seemed to materialize out of nowhere. Sam lifted it to his mouth and took a noisy bite.  _ Where did that even come from? _ He unmuted the show.  _ Not like they need to mention the pie name anymore. We all know what it is. _ The chef was talking about the importance of the lemon curd in the pie. Dean jotted down some notes.

 

“Some believe that it is best to include a miniscule amount of the curd in the pie. I do not believe this is best. In fact you should be a bit generous with the lemon curd.” The chef spoke with a slight accent that Dean couldn’t place. Her hands waved about a bit as she spoke. She began cooking her ingredients for the lemon curd. “This isn’t lemon meringue though, so don’t think that you should pile the lemon curd on. Use maybe half or a little less than half that amount when you put it together.” Then, because Dean sometimes found himself in Hell, she added, “Nothing will make your Angel Pie more heavenly than the addition of a generous quantity of this lemon curd. This is the secret of a perfect Angel Pie.”

 

_ Yeah, she had to go and say it twice. _ Sam heard it too, if the small snort of a laugh was anything to go by. Dean tried to ignore it. He was doing just fine in that endeavor when Sam decided to speak. “Talk to Cas lately?”  _ Shit. _

 

“Busy, Sam.” Dean waved absently at the TV.

 

“No you’re not.”

 

Dean paused the program. He needed to actually focus on it if he was going to get it right, and it seemed that Sam wasn’t going to let that happen with his talking and noisy apple eating. “He texted last night.”

 

“I mean, have you talked, talked to him lately?” Sam brought a leg down off the table and turned a little to Dean. 

 

“No, just texting. He told me that he was in Florida or something.” Dean knew exactly what Cas had texted and the emoticons he had included. Some nights there were just one word responses to Dean’s texts and others just smiley faces or random symbols that likely meant something to the angel. They often made Dean smile a little, so in that way, they meant something to him too.

 

“Oh, he and I talked last night, and I told him that he should call you.” Sam said it like it was nothing.

 

“You talked to him?” Dean didn’t mean to let his voice hit that higher pitch that showed everything from jealousy to surprise. He schooled it down. “I’m sure he’ll call tonight.”

 

“How long’s it been? I thought you two talked every night.” 

 

Dean reached down for the remote as he considered drowning out the conversation with the TV, but he knew Sam wouldn’t let that happen. “We haven’t talked, talked since he left.” And that was the kicker. Sam knew about the leaving. Nothing more needed to be said on that front. 

 

“Oh. I talk with him every couple of days. I’ll tell him to call you instead.”

 

“I don’t need you doing that. He’ll call when he’s ready. Dude’s busy.” Dean lifted the remote again, but Sam set a hand on him, lowering it back to the couch.

 

“You should let him know that you’re planning to cook up a storm for Christmas and that you expect him to be present.” Sam thankfully turned back to his laptop and put his leg back on the table. He added though, “There’s a lot you need to tell him beside that, but I suppose you can take care of that over some Angel Pie or something.” Dean scowled at him, but he could see the little curl of a smile on Sam’s face, and it somehow settled him. He aimed the remote at the TV and set the program to playing again.

 

 

 


	2. Convince Me

When he curled up that night in his bed, he set the phone on the pillow next to him and made every effort not to keep turning it back on over and over again. Even when the screen was black, his eyes fixated on the little spot that would light up if a message came through. Midnight came on him unexpectedly and the screen lit up with Cas’ name and the picture Dean had snapped so long ago that he maybe needed to replace it. Cas looked confused, but he was smiling, and something about it made Dean ten kinds of happy.

 

He swiped to answer and pulled the phone to his ear. “Heya Cas.” He hoped that his voice sounded right.

 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas sounded like he always did. Dean took some comfort in that. “Sam told me to call you.”

 

Dean felt his stomach drop a little. “Well,” Dean felt the irritation a little in his tone and knew he shouldn’t finish the sentence. He did though. “Don’t know why he’d do that.”

 

There was silence on the line that dragged out past the point of comfort before Cas spoke again. “He said you were making holiday plans that I should know about.”

 

Another pause of epic proportions, then Dean said, “You’re busy. I wasn’t gonna bother you.”

 

“I’m not that busy.” Cas sounded just slightly irritated, which didn’t help Dean’s mood at all.

 

“I think you are. You haven’t had time to call in nearly two weeks. Seems like taking time to have dinner with us might be a bit tough to squeeze in.” Dean felt regret as the umpteenth silence filled the moments.

 

“I’m sorry. I should have called.” Cas sounded melancholy and maybe a little strange. Gone was the irritation though. Dean felt a little guilty.

 

“No, I’m sorry. I’m being petty. I could have called.” He huffed out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. “I was kinda put out when I heard that you and Sam have been talking so regularly.”

 

“I didn’t want to upset you.”  Cas fell silent again, and Dean let the words sit there for a moment.

 

“Why would I be upset?” Dean sat up.

 

“I don’t know. I mean, it seemed like I made you uncomfortable.” Dean could feel his palms growing sweatier by the second. This was not the time for any of this. _Cas needs to be here for this conversation._

 

“You don’t make me uncomfortable.” He swallowed. “I make me uncomfortable.” _Shit._ “What’re you doing for Christmas?”

 

“Hunting Lucifer. Fixing my colossal mistakes. Hating everyday that I have to spend cooped up with Crowley on the road.” He sighed and Dean felt the weight of that sigh pour through the line.

 

“Maybe you need a break. Spend Christmas with us.” He waited, his breathing a full body effort. God, he wanted this, wanted Cas back home under their roof or Jody’s since she’d said they were to come to her house this year.

 

“I don’t know.” Not the answer Dean wanted. He felt the defeat settle heavily on his shoulders as he slumped down just a little.

 

“I understand.” He tried not to sound as miserable as he felt, but he was sure that he was failing.

 

Cas interrupted his thoughts saying, “Dean, convince me.” Dean thought that he missed something. Cas went on, “It would literally take so little to convince me.”

 

“You want to spend Christmas with us?” Dean asked, all hesitation and worry.

 

“There’s much that I should be doing. Crowley will likely judge me for this. Not much worse than passive judgement from a crossroad’s demon.” Cas’ tone was lighter.

 

“Wait, are you saying you want to spend Christmas with us though?” For some reason Dean just needed Cas to spell it out, say what he was thinking, because God knows how often he just happened to miss the giant signs and signals.

 

“I just don’t know if I should.”

 

“Cas, you have to come home. Well, actually to Jody’s.” Dean was getting with the program. “Claire will tear us a new one if you don’t show. She said, point blank that you had to be there.” Dean was really getting with the program. “Plus, I’ve been watching all these cooking programs and I want you to try something I’m gonna be cooking up. Pretty sure it won’t taste like molecules.”

 

“So Claire really wants me there?” His tone was soft and almost too much of a question.

 

“Hell yeah. She was just saying so the other day.” She really had. Dean was glad he didn’t have to spin a lie here.

 

“Well, at least only Claire would be disappointed if I didn’t show.” There was something else in his tone now. Dean couldn’t read it.

 

“Dude. Get your ass out here. I want you here, you idiot. Sam too. Pretty sure my mom even asked about you. Stop being all pitiful.” Dean hoped his tone wasn’t too harsh. He wanted him to feel it like the playful banter that he intended for it to be.

 

“You want me there.” Not a question, just a statement of fact.

 

“Yeah, Cas. I do.” He swept a hand back up into his hair again. “So you’ll come to Jody’s?”

 

“Of course. See you in a few days.” He sounded happy. Dean felt a blush of pride warm his cheeks. He made Cas happy. _Well if that wasn’t a Christmas miracle, I don’t know what is._

 


	3. It's Been Three Days

Then three days passed without a word. Dean thought that things had been fixed, but it maybe hadn’t been fixed at all. The first night he told himself that it was fine, that Cas was just busy. Didn’t matter that he stayed up ‘til midnight and stared at his phone, swiping it on over and over again. It didn’t matter that he finally turned it over on his nightstand in frustration without even considering a phone call just to be sure that all was well.

 

The second night was worse, because then there was the requisite guilt. He thought that he should have called then. So he tried calling. He called again and again. Nothing. He tried texting. Somehow he had waited until after midnight. He prayed too. Nothing. By this point he was a bit worried. In those 48 hours he didn’t tell Sam how worried he actually was. He just kept throwing himself in front of the TV chefs and gave half his attention to his phone and all the calls he wasn’t receiving.

 

On the third night, after a day fully spent in a high state of worry, Dean went to his room and tossed himself onto his bed. He toed off his shoes and considered going to sleep. He tried calling again, but it still went nowhere. “Cas, come on.” He sat back up when the call went to voicemail. He got out of bed and stalked off toward Sam’s room.

 

He gave the door a quick knock and then pushed the door open before getting the all clear. “What the hell Dean?” Sam sat up in the dark and gripped the blanket around himself.

 

Dean snapped on the lights and came in. “You got a minute?” Dean ignored Sam’s protests and took a seat at Sam’s desk.

 

“Dean, it is almost 1:00 am. What’s going on?”

 

“Have you heard from Cas?” Dean set his arms on his thighs and leaned forward a bit.

 

“Are you kidding me? I’m trying to sleep here.” Sam threw himself back down into the bed and put his arm over his eyes in a gesture that spoke of all his suffering. “You know I talked with him just a few days ago.”

 

“Have you talked to him today or yesterday though?” Dean huffed out in irritation.

 

“No, I figured you two made up so now I wasn’t needed.” Sam moved his arm a little and peered at Dean past one squinted eye.

 

“It’s been three days.” Dean waited a beat. “You sure he hasn’t texted you or anything?”

 

“I’ve got nothing. Sorry Dean.” Sam looked a little worried, but Dean told himself, it had only been three days. There could be reasons. Somehow telling Sam hadn’t helped.

 

“I’m worried.” There it was. He’d said it. “We’re heading to Jody’s in the morning, but what if he’s in trouble?”

 

“He’s Cas. He’ll be okay.” Sam didn’t sound as confident as Dean needed him to be.

 

Dean stretched out long in the seat across from Sam’s bed. “Where was he the last time we talked to him?”

 

“Heading here from Florida. He’s not alone. I mean he has Crowley riding shotgun.”

 

“He’d have left Crowley behind before heading here. He could be in trouble, Sam.”

 

“Let’s give him one more day. He’s been gone longer before.” He leaned over and gave Dean’s leg a pat. “We go to Jody’s and then if he doesn’t show by tomorrow, we go out and find him.”

 

“Okay.” Dean got up, but he felt like he needed to linger a little longer. Worry was his friend and he needed to shake it off a bit more but didn’t know how.  He moved to the door. “Okay.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

They had originally planned to spend Christmas at the bunker, nothing too complicated. They’d get a bit of take out and watch some _Die Hard_ or something, but when Jody called them, their plans changed. She hadn’t called to set them on the path of yet another bag of evil or even to give them the subtle scoop on their mom. No, she had called to drag them into a rare bit of domesticity.

 

“It’s Christmas. You have to come.” Her tone had brokered no room for dissent, so they did what they had to and agreed to make the trek out to her home. They’d talked about it in the days that fell by rapidly between the call from Jody and the holiday. They’d talked about their mother and the way it would be.

 

The hardest, maybe, was the talk of gift giving. After all, what do you get for the undead mother that has nothing? They talked it through though and settled on a few items that she might want from Dad, stuff they had tucked away in the bunker. They also opted for one of the classic cars in the bunker’s garage. She could come pick it up the next time she rolled through the area. Dean thought that might prove enjoyable for her. It might also get her to stop giving Baby the covetous eye every time she was around. He knew that he had maybe a little less claim on the car where she was concerned, so he had to do his best to just avoid that conversation at all costs.

 

She'd opted to stay with Jody to help out with a water spirit off in Coeur d'Alene. Once that job was done she just stayed on, and Jody had even set her up with a room. It still didn't sit quite right with Dean, but he was trying; he was trying so hard to just see it from her perspective.

 

The drive out to Sioux Falls was an easy one, even with everything that was weighing on Dean’s mind. They managed to make it to Jody’s doorstep by the early afternoon. _Nice_ , Dean thought as the smell of pine and cinnamon wafted out the open door. Claire stood between them and the interior of the house, craning her neck to peer past them.

 

“Where’s Cas?” She stepped back a little, making a path for them to enter.

 

“Well, hello to you too.” Dean tossed his bag into the corner under the coat rack.

 

“Hello, Dean. Where’s Cas,” Claire asked again.

 

Sam spoke up for them both. “We haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. Dean left him a message.”

 

“Or several,” Dean muttered.

 

“He’s okay right?” Claire suddenly looked concerned and even reached out and gave Dean’s arm a rough squeeze, like she knew he’d need the comfort and such.

 

“He’s fine. He’s just a bit wrapped up in something kind of intense. He’s not alone though.” Dean started taking off his coat, and Claire let him go.

 

“How do you know he’s fine though if you haven’t heard from him?”

 

Dean leveled his gaze on her and said, “I’d know.” And that was the kicker, he’d not felt anything except the natural worry that sometimes settled into his bones when Cas was absent. It wasn’t like it had been when Cas had been in so much jeopardy. Even then he didn’t know what it was he was feeling. His worry now though was entirely different. It had still been enough to send him barging into Sam’s room, but it had not been enough for him to feel the crushing emptiness that came to him before when Lucifer had worn him.

 

Sam hung his own coat up on the rack and reached over to take Dean’s to do the same. The action shook Dean out of his revery a little. Sam said, “Really, Claire, you don’t need to worry. Cas is tough. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was on his way here even now.”

 

He gave Dean a slight glance, and Dean detected in it some worry.  Dean chose to redirect their focus though. “Where’s Jody?”

 

“Jodes? Oh, she’s popping every single Christmas doo-dad into every single space in the house. She and your mom...God.” Claire rolled her eyes for emphasis. “Alex and I escape at least once each afternoon in order to find sanity. Isn’t there something we can go hunt?”

 

Dean and Sam both laughed. Sam clapped a hand on her shoulder and they walked off toward the living room and the sound of Christmas tunes. Dean didn’t follow right away, and Sam gave him a little nod of acknowledgement. Dean pulled out his phone to check for any messages. He looked at the thread of texts between them and let out a little sigh. Two days and nothing. A lot could happen in two days.

 

He sent out a little prayer, the umpteenth one in the last couple of days. _Hey, Cas. Call us okay. We’re worried about you. We’re at Jody’s with Claire and all. You should be here too._ _We're gonna have a real Christmas Eve dinner. I reckon you could still get here in time from wherever you are on account of you not needing to sleep._

 

 _He_ knew he was rambling on now, but Cas had to be use to his prayers. _So you have two nights until Christmas, but really I'll likely start tracking you down tomorrow if I don't hear from you. So call or something._ He turned toward the living room. He could hear laughter before he even rounded the corner. _It’ll be nice to have some down time._ His mother was looking at Sam as he leaned into the tree a little while adding the star to the top.

 

“You were so needed, Sam. Our tree was going to be a sad starless thing.” Jody stood off to the side with her now empty box. Claire was sprawled out on the couch. Alex was sitting on the floor with her head tipped back onto the couch behind her. Claire was scooping up Alex’s hair and weaving it into a braid that snaked down the side of her head.

 

Mary turned from Sam’s efforts and saw Dean then as he lingered in the doorway. “Dean.” Her voice was soft and carried with it a rush of affection. She came to him and pulled him into a hug. He hugged her back and breathed in the warm air around her. Her hands fanned out on his back and held him there just a bit longer. “I missed you,” she said when she finally let him go.

 

“Missed you too.” He waved at the tree. “Looks good. Claire said it was gonna be a whole lotta Christmas in here.”

 

“Well, she and Alex have no Christmas spirit whatsoever,” Jody chimed in. She came over to Dean and threw an arm around him, pulling him into a sideways hug. “Glad you both made it safe and sound. Cas gonna be here later?”

 

“Yeah, if he can. We haven’t heard from him in a few days,” Dean said.

 

Mary looked concerned. “Did he get any other leads on Lucifer?”

 

“Still nothing. He emerged from the ocean, but you already heard about that.” Dean ran a hand up into his hair, remembering the concert that was meant to end them. “He took off after the last encounter. Cas still thinks it’s his responsibility to take care of this.”

 

“Wait, he’s chasing after Lucifer, like the Lucifer?” Claire sat up a bit.

 

“Yeah, long story,” Dean said.

 

“And you don’t think we should be helping him?” Claire said.

 

Sam moved over to Dean's side as he spoke, “No, he said that he didn’t want us there, that he needed to take care of this on his own. We’re doing our best to respect his wishes.”

 

“Well, excuse me for disagreeing, but you all call him family. Last I checked, family doesn’t just let you run off on your own to some fight with the literal devil because they respect you.”

 

“I’m gonna give him one more day, okay. If I don’t hear from him, I’ll be the first one going out there to find him.” Dean reached into his pocket where the phone was and held it, as if he could will it to vibrate with an incoming message. “He’s fine, Claire. This is Cas.”

 

“And you just know?” She huffed.

 

“I do. Cas and me we…” Dean didn’t know how to finish the thought. _Have a more profound bond...feel each other even when we’re apart...have a connection._ It all sounded too sappy to say out loud. “I’d know if something happened to him. I’d feel it, okay.”

 

“What like you’re some kind of psychic or something?”

 

“Something like that. Just with Cas though. I can tell if something’s not right with him.” Dean looked away.

 

Sam asked, “Did you feel something when Lucifer was riding shotgun?”

 

“Wait, Lucifer possessed Cas?” Claire interrupted.

 

“Another long story,” Dean said.

 

Sam redirected, “So did you feel something back then?”

 

Dean turned to him, a hint of irritation blanketing his brows as he answered, “I did, but I didn’t know what was happening. I had some weird dreams too. Nothing like that’s happening now.” They all just looked at Dean like he’d grown a second head. “What?”

 

“It’s just you never mentioned any of this before. Ya know, the thing with Cas, the connection thing,” Sam said.

 

“Oh, shut up.” Dean wandered off to the kitchen. “Tell me you have beer Jody. This might be the only way I survive all this harassment.”

 

“Up on the top shelf in the back. Enjoy,” she said as Dean retreated. She was good to them, always was. He looked into the fridge and calculated just how much shopping still needed to be done. He was ready to make the whole holiday meal even though he hadn’t really gotten the full okay from Jody.

 

He leaned his head around the corner. “Hey Jodes,” he adopted Claire’s nickname for her and caught a scowl for it. “You mind if I put together the Christmas Eve dinner?”

 

“Absolutely I mind. You’re the guest.”

 

“Oh,” he actually sounded disappointed. “I just think we owe ya one is all. It’d be nice.”

 

She walked over to him and said, “Your mom said she wanted to cook.”

 

Mary said, “I most certainly did not.”

 

“Well, I maybe said it was a good time for you to learn how to throw some holiday food together.”

 

“I told you that I would be plenty happy to pick up some take-out. So much take-out.” Mary smiled and Jody mirrored it right back.

 

“Okay, Dean. Sounds like Mary is entirely against learning to cook.” Jody waved at the fridge. “You got what you need in there?”

 

“If not, I know where to go.” He paused a beat. “Thanks.”

 


	4. Dreaming

That night Jody somehow managed to find just enough space for them all to sleep. With full bellies from a rather large dinner of beef stew and warm sourdough rolls, they each strolled off to their respective sleeping spaces.

 

At first Jody had Dean set to camp out in the room across from her own, but then Dean learned that Mary had been occupying that space. After some bickering he won the right to sleep in the office/den downstairs.

 

The room already had a blow up mattress in the center and a generous pile of bedding. Jody poked her head in and said, “Ya need anything before I check out for the night?”

 

“Nah, I'm good.”

 

She waited a beat, then came in. “You gonna talk to her a bit?”

 

“We're good. I'm glad she's in a place that feels right. You always did make us feel like we'd come home every time we came to visit.”

 

“I think she needs to know you understand, that you accept her choice.” 

 

Dean looked off at the clock to imply that he was done. “I think she knows.”

 

Jody seemed to get that Dean was ending things. “And Cas? Anything you're not telling us?”

 

“I'm a little worried. It's irrational though. Cas is plenty capable of taking care of himself.” Dean had his hands clenched in front of him. 

 

Jody came down to the mattress and sat at his side. “Perfectly reasonable worry ya got there. Guy's chasing the devil. Lucifer just tried to kill you all, what, two weeks ago?” She rolled her eyes and breathed a sigh of frustration. “You just say the word and we turn this holiday gathering into a holiday rescue mission, just like that.” She snapped her fingers for good measure.

 

“I don't think it'll come to that.”

 

“Why? You got one of those feelings?” Her lips curled up just a little.

 

“Yeah, a little.” He wasn't about to elaborate. He did have a feeling though. There was a warmth that seemed to flow through him each time he thought of Cas. It felt like something akin to joy. Some might even say it was more than that too.

 

Jody hugged him and said, “You know we all love you, don't ya?” 

 

“I may have picked up on that.” He smiled back.

 

“I hope Cas shows. I think it'll make you happy, and I want my boys happy this holiday season.” She got up and ruffled his hair like he was a child.

 

“Claire will be happy too,” Dean added.

 

“Yeah, but not in the same way.” Jody made her way out the door. “Night, Dean.”

 

“Night, Jodes,” Dean said with a grin. He could see the muscles in her back tense up. She didn't respond beyond that though, just wandered off to bed.

 

* * *

 

He’d lied before, when he had said that he hadn’t had any weird dreams. He had experienced weird dreams, but nothing that made him feel worried about Cas. He kept seeing him in odd places, on a beach staring out at the rocking waves, in an empty barn, in a high-rise condo. He was always looking for something. In the dreams, Dean would just follow him and look too. Sometimes Crowley was there with him.

 

The dream that came to him now was different. There was blood. Cas stood near a vast field that ran along the side of the road. There was a bright red barn in the distance and a mile marker just in front of him. The blood came from a dead deer that was on the shoulder of the road. Cas dropped his blade into his hand. 

 

Dean’s eyes moved to the deer where he saw what had troubled Cas. Someone was stumbling out of the high grass toward the carcass of the deer. The person,  _ was it a person,  _ dropped down next to it and began to eat from it with a ravenous energy typically only seen in starving animals. Dean looked away as Cas strode toward it and dealt it a death blow.

 

Cas stalked back to the truck then, and Dean joined him in the passenger seat. Cas was shaken by the kill. Dean could feel Cas’ nerves in that moment, this unflappable, force of energy was falling apart a little.

 

Dean reached out to him then and settled a hand on his shoulder. Cas’ body shook as if he could really feel Dean there and he was soaking up the connection between them. Dean massaged Cas’ shoulder not thinking about how it was that he could actually feel him.  _ This is a dream. He's okay,  _ he told himself.

 

And as is typical in dreams, time and space shifted until they were no longer in the truck but in an alleyway. In the distance there was a young girl in white pajamas. She was maybe 11 or 12, Dean assumed from the look of her. 

 

Nothing was normal though about the scene. Her mouth was bloodied from something that she's been eating. Her pajamas were dirty around the knees. There was a man at the end of the alley, his arm showed a thin trail of blood from the clear bite mark that was there. 

 

The girl's breathing was heavy as she turned to Cas. Her eyes seemed to have an animalistic gleam to them as she stalked toward Cas. He let his angel blade drop to his hand, then seemed to rethink the decision. He pulled it back.

 

Dean could feel himself freaking out a little.  _ Kill it. What're you doing.  _ Dean knew what he was seeing. The girl was a Croat. She'd hurt Cas if he wasn't strong enough. The man for his part had crumbled to the ground clutching his bitten arm. 

 

Cas grabbed the child that suddenly began thrashing in an attempt at getting her teeth into him. Cas held her easily at arm's length. “This will hurt a little. I'm sorry,” Cas said. 

 

Then a bright burst of grace flowed from his mouth to her and his own body fell. Dean watched, scared. His mouth formed the word  _ no _ , but no sound came with the effort. The girl fell and shook, her hands clenched in fists at her sides. 

 

She sat up, looked at Cas’ body next hers, and wiped the blood from her mouth. She closed her eyes a moment and seemed to just concentrate. “There. That should do.” Then there was light again and Cas’ body was filled with it.

 

He got up calmly and looked down at the girl that was shaking. He smiled benevolently and reached out a hand, sending her to sleep. He then turned his attention to the man behind him. The man hadn't changed yet.

 

“I'll need your permission to heal you. Or you can wait, and I'll just do it when permission is unnecessary,” Cas said with his low graveled tone.

 

The man shook his head, but Cas waited for words. Finally the man said, “You have my permission.”

 

With that Cas left his body again. This time Dean was less afraid. The man would be healed, and Cas would jump back to his own body. 

 

When all was returned to as it should be, Cas turned away from the man and seemed as if he'd speak to Dean. In all of the prior dreams Dean had felt as though he was an invisible observer. Everything felt different this time. Dean also wondered why Cas needed to so fully possess them to heal them.

 

The space around them shifted. The alley disappeared and became a garden outside of a seaside church. It would have been beautiful if it weren't for the waves of concern Dean could feel rolling off of Cas. Lucifer strode over to them from the far side of the church as if this meeting was entirely casual and entirely friendly.

 

“Hello, Castiel.” He stopped a few feet from Cas and let his eyes rove over Cas’ body likely remembering what it was too have claimed it. Dean felt sick. Lucifer looked past Cas for a moment toward the place that Dean occupied. Dean could feel the gaze like ice as it stabbed into him. 

 

Cas moved between him and Lucifer. “Hello, Lucifer.” He leveled a glare on Lucifer that would have intimidated a lesser being. “You can't seriously be planning to do this.”

 

Dean wondered what Cas was specifically referencing when Lucifer responded. “I've already begun but just a little. It'll spread fast enough naturally.” His grin was chilling.

 

“You gain nothing from this though. If humanity dies, what'll be left for you? I know you Lucifer. You crave worship, the barest acknowledgment of your rightness. It's why you picked Vince. It’s why you keep elevating your choices in vessels with each change.” Cas seemed to appraise the new vessel. Another man of some rank and status from the looks of things. His expensive suit, his close cropped, dark brown hair, and his chiseled features made him seem quite attractive.

 

“I certainly don't need the adoration of a few thousand Vince Vincente fans or the added power of political office. I just like how it feels, the sickening levels of devotion that they put into their interactions and the ease that comes with position.”

 

“So you have that. Why unleash the Croatoan virus?” Lucifer moved to the side and kept trying to look past Cas seemingly at Dean. Cas kept moving between them. 

 

“You already know why. You saw what I gain from it. Infinite bodies, no need for consent. I grow bored Castiel, so bored. Their bodies will give me freedom.” Lucifer grinned again, and Dean felt a cold sweat break out on his back. Lucifer reached out to Cas then and as he placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder added, “Of course I might reconsider if I were to come across a better vessel, you know a vessel that could contain me. Know where I might find one?”

 

Dean reached out and set his hand firmly on Cas’ back. He didn't say  _ no _ , but he thought it. Lucifer looked over Cas ’shoulder directly at Dean now. Cas said, “No, that time has passed.”

 

“Then their deaths will be on your head. How will Dean feel about your selfish choice?”

 

Dean curled his fingers at Cas’ back, digging a little into muscles there. “Dean would want me to say no, even if just out of spite.”

 

“Maybe that brother of his has finally come to his senses.”

 

“Go near Sam, and I'll make you pay for that choice.” Cas puffed up his chest, pulled his blade out, and added, “He's done saying yes to you, and so am I.”

 

“That's really too bad.” He sighed as if he were truly disappointed. “It really is preferable to me to have a single stable vessel. There's really so few options for me. Oh well. I will present my case to each of them though. After all, ‘tis the season of giving.” With that he grinned again and waved his hand, sending the space around them into a blur of change.

 

When Dean finally was able to focus again, he found Cas lying on the ground in a heap. He rushed forward and dropped to his knees at his side. He rolled Cas onto his back and pulled him up somewhat into his lap. “Cas, Cas. Come on. Be okay.” He smoothed back the hair that was falling into Cas’ face a little. This was too tangible to be a typical dream.

 

Cas’ eyes fluttered open. “Dean, wake up.” Dean just blinked as he held Cas’ face in his hands. His hands fell back to his sides when Cas sat up and turned to him. Cas cupped his face in his hands, and with more intensity repeated, “Wake up Dean.”

 

Dean woke up. The room at Jody's house was dark, and he wasn't alone. His face was held between two strong hands. “Cas,” he practically whispered.

 

“Good, you’re awake, and you know.” Cas was staring at him from just inches away. He didn't release his hold on Dean. “Lucifer will visit them in dreams. He'll try to convince them, you too. We need to warn them so they know not to say yes. The consequences of saying yes to him now are great. No one would be saved, really saved in that effort.” 

 

“They?” Dean asked. 

 

“Yeah, they.”

 

“Who else?”

 

“Your mother. She has a history of self-sacrifice to rival yours and Sam’s too. You are angel vessels, and although Sam is Lucifer's vessel, I believe Mary would be deemed suitable too.”

 

“She wouldn't say yes,” Dean's tone was emphatic.

 

Cas just looked at him with eyes that were a little sad. “I wouldn't have rushed here if I believed that all of you could resist him. I know his power, his persuasive ability.”

 

“Mom wouldn't say yes though.” Dean's tone was wavering even as he said the words.

 

“She might. He plays on a person's desires, shows them their losses until they feel a little broken. He makes promises, claims he'll fix things and even make you forget the hurting.”

 

Dean didn't know when Cas’ words stopped being about his mom, but it was clear that this was personal. “Is that what he did to you?”

 

Cas’ hands fell from Dean then, but Dean could still feel the warmth of them on his cheeks. “It is, and he was true to his word. I was tucked away in layers of dreams so deep that I didn't even care that he was slowly burning me out of existence. In fact, I wanted that. It was penance, and I was helping humanity.”

 

“No one says yes this time Cas,” he said as he reached out taking Cas’ face in his hands. “No one. Not even you. I understood why you did it before, but I can't go through that again. Please tell me you won't say yes this time.”

 

Cas just looked at him, blinked once and said, “There are ways he could convince me, but I can keep us from that situation.”

 

“What situation?” Dean kneaded at the muscles in Cas’ neck a little, his hands had run back from Cas’ cheeks. There was so much intimacy in the moment. The room was dark, save for the dim moonlight slipping in past the curtain. If anyone walked in he'd be hard pressed to find a reasonable explanation for their closeness.

 

“I'm going to try to limit his options. I have a way.”

 

It wasn't the answer he was looking for, but it certainly gave him more questions. “What're you going to do?”

 

“I'm going to eradicate the Croatoan virus.” He said it with such conviction that Dean didn't even know how to question him. “You need to sleep.”

 

Dean looked away from Cas at the clock that was on the wall. It was just after 2:00 am. “Yeah, you're right. You owe me more explanations though.” Cas just smiled at him.

 

“I missed you.” Cas’ words were quiet and sincere. 

 

“Same here.” Dean let Cas go with a little reluctance. He got back into the bed. Cas showed no signs of leaving. “Don't leave, okay.”

  
“I'll be right here when you wake up in the morning.” Time ticked by, and what should have been uncomfortable, Cas sitting so close watching him, was the very opposite of that. Cas was here, and he was safe, and Dean could sleep easy now. Dean let his eyes slip closed. The last vision he had was of Cas sitting on the edge of the mattress smiling down at him.


	5. Choices Were Made

The next night would be Christmas Eve. So, Dean decided that the day would be best spent going to the grocery store for supplies. There would be a turkey, stuffing, side dishes to the rafters, and, of course, Angel Pie.

 

He was also determined to keep Cas firmly in his field of vision at all times. True to his word, Cas was sitting exactly where he had been the night before. “Mornin’ sunshine,” Dean mumbled. “Sounds like they’re awake out there.”

 

And, as if he'd summoned someone, there was a too loud volley of knocks on his door. Cas got up and opened it. Claire was standing there. “Cas!” Claire threw her arms around him and held on for all she was worth.

 

“Hello, Claire.” Cas hugged her back just as fully.

 

“Hello yourself. Dean made it sound like you might be in trouble. We were gearing up for a Christmas Eve rescue mission.”

 

“That would have been wholly unnecessary, not to mention the very thing I'd never want you taking part in.” Cas gave Dean a pointed look.

 

“Then I guess you'll just have to make a solid effort at not getting into trouble.” She laughed and slugged his shoulder playfully.

 

“I'll make my best effort.”

 

Dean started to get up, but realizing he was only wearing his underwear, decided to just stay put. Claire seemed to notice. “So Cas stayed in here last night?”

 

“I did. Dean asked me to stay.”

 

“You two mind giving me a little privacy?” Dean waved at the door for them both to leave, hoping that it would be enough to end the conversation.

 

“We're having breakfast. Jody sent me to get you.” Claire backed out of the doorway. “You two just join us when you're dressed.” She waggled her eyebrows as she left.

 

Dean tossed a pillow at her that she deflected. “Ya little shit.” She just turned and grinned at him as she headed off to the other end of the house and the warm scent of coffee that was already calling to him. Dean glanced at Cas. “Go with her.”

 

“I'll wait for you.” Dean shrugged then got up and got dressed.

 

* * *

 

The day passed leisurely. They ate a big breakfast and talked about the holiday plans. Cas shared minimally about his time away. Dean wondered when he'd bring up the plans Lucifer had for them.

 

Dean chose to live in the moment though. Cas would tell what he could when he was ready. Dean worried though, just a bit. Cas said he was going to eradicate the Croatoan virus. How was he going to do that. If it had been simple before, he would have done it way back then. He didn't though, so Dean had to assume that this was complicated and maybe something that might cross the line into bad decision town.

 

 _All the more reason to keep a continual eye on Cas._ To that end, Dean made him come with him to the grocery store, and to the mall for last minute Christmas shopping.

 

Cas didn't complain. He just walked along, seemingly happy even. “You okay?” Dean asked as they left the mall

 

“Yes. I'm relieved a little.” They stopped walking for a moment.

 

Dean set a hand on his back. “What do you mean relieved? Our situation hardly seems relaxing.”

 

“Making a decision is a relief. I've been wrestling with certain choices and now, it seems, choosing is finally what must be done. I'm relieved.”

 

“So you mean a choice about the Croat?”

 

“Yes, and no.” Cas looked away from him for a moment. “You said I'm family.”

 

Dean blanched, “Yeah, obviously. You're important.”

 

“So, you’ll have a place for me in the bunker and in your life?” It was said like a question, and Dean wondered where the doubt was coming from.

 

“Of course, Cas. Always.” The last was said with a lower tone that he hoped carried the added layer of sincerity.

 

“I wouldn't want you to feel obligated or anything. It wouldn't change things for me. I'd still do what I'm going to do, but I'm hopeful.”

 

“Gotta say, pal, I'm not following.” Cas shifted away from Dean's touch. “Hey,” Dean said as he moved into his space, setting his hand back on him.

 

“I'm glad I get to spend Christmas with you.” Dean was struggling to follow the ever shifting threads of conversation.

 

“Me too. Wouldn't have been the same without you.” They walked onward and back to the car.

 

“Solving the Croatoan problem won’t solve everything, but it’ll help. Crowley and Rowena will have to help with the rest of the Lucifer business.”

 

“You know Sam and I will help too right?” Dean wondered why Cas seemed to be avoiding them and their help. They reached the Impala and got in.

 

“I know and I don’t want that. I see this as my problem and their problem. Crowley wants to rule Hell again and Rowena wants to feel safe again. Neither scenario seems to run counter to my desire to see Lucifer dealt with especially given what he’s done and what he wants.”

 

Dean pulled away from the mall parking lot and headed back to the highway and Jody’s home. He drummed at the steering wheel a little and gave words to his thoughts. “What is it that he has actually done since our fight against Amara? I mean, yeah he tried to kill us, but only after we made it clear that we were gunning for him. I guess I sort of thought that he might turn over a new leaf after he patched things up with Chuck.”

 

“He didn’t change. He just went along with a plan that would keep his own plans from becoming moot. He’s complicated. He loved our father, and at the same time he hated him. Once Amara was out of the picture, he would have renewed his efforts against him.” Cas paused a moment and sighed before continuing, “And if there was any hope that he had changed that died in me the moment that he began taking vessels from your line.”

 

“Huh,” Dean’s foot slipped a little from the accelerator. “What do you mean?”

 

“He found some rather distant cousins of yours and burned his way through them looking for a good fit.” He looked at Dean and continued, “It was how Crowley found his location and me. We both knew to track him by his desire to find a Winchester or a Campbell that could contain him.”

 

“So he’s killing off people that we are even just a little related to?” Dean felt the need to do something, anything to stop this.

 

Cas seemed to sense this. “You couldn’t have done anything. He’d have just moved on to one of the other distant relatives. It’s how he ended up with Vince. It’s also why he healed Vince’s sister. It was about more than just keeping a promise.”

 

“So you’re saying that we were related to that guy?” Dean exited the highway and gave Cas a glance.

 

“Distantly, yes.” Cas stared straight ahead. “It is less distant than the others. I thought it was obvious. You have similar musical tastes.”

 

“Ain’t nothing similar in that area at all,” Dean huffed out.

 

“My apologies,” Cas said with a half smile ticking up at the corner of his lips. “Regardless, you were related to Vince.” He paused a moment and added, “I’m sorry that I did not save him or the others.”

 

Dean slowed down as he turned onto the road to Jody’s place. He looked at Cas who seemed a little melancholy. “That’s not on you. You didn’t cause that.”

 

“In so many ways I did.”

 

“In so many ways you didn’t. Let Lucifer have the credit for that. Maybe consider taking the credit for helping the world out with the Amara business. Not to mention, you have done a lot more too, but you don’t focus on that. It seems, for you, the focus is always on how you’ve messed up.” Dean waved a hand and added, “News flash, we’ve all messed up, and guess what, that’s called being human. It happens. We’ve done far more good than harm, so at the end of the day that’s what matters.”

 

“That may be true for you, but it’s not for me. I’ve weighed my sins. I’ve still got a lot to atone for.”

 

Dean let those words sit in the quiet for a few moments. “Cas,” he pulled into Jody’s driveway and shut off the car. “End of the day, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. Neither would Sam for that matter.” He reached over and set a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “That’s a hell of a lot, man. Don’t discount that. But if you do, know that we don’t.”

 

Cas just kept looking down at his hands that were now folded in his lap. “Thank you,” he finally said once the silence had stretched out beyond the cooling ticking of the car’s engine. Dean gave him a small squeeze of affection on his shoulder and got out of the car. Cas followed him, helping him gather the groceries and mall bags as they went.

 

As they walked into the house, Dean looked at Cas and said, “I’m really glad you’re here.”

 

“Me too.”


	6. She Said You're In Love With Me

After they put things away, Dean got himself a cup of coffee and ventured out to the back porch. He thought it would be a good place to go for some quiet. Most everyone seemed to be populating the kitchen and living room. They were a noisy bunch. 

 

As he passed them, he noticed that. Claire was once again on the couch braiding Alex’s hair. It was different this time though. Sam was sitting beside Alex on the floor and Cas had a handful of Sam’s hair threaded through his fingers. Claire was telling Cas how to weave the braid so that it ran from Sam’s temple to the back. Dean found himself smiling at the scene and even called over, “Lookin’ good Samantha,” as he made his way to the back door.

 

Sam called back, “You’re just jealous.”

 

Dean went out to the porch without further comment and saw his mom sitting on the porch steps with her coffee perched on her knees. “Sorry, didn’t mean to invade your space.”

 

Dean was about to go back in when Mary said, “Don’t be silly. Come sit with me.”

 

Dean hesitated a moment then came forward, and slumped down onto the top step. “You doing okay with all the extra bodies here?” He’d wondered if she was feeling overwhelmed by having him and Sam there.

 

“Not a bit. The music is a bit loud and not Christmassy, but it’s still nice having you all here. It feels more festive.” She smiled at him and set a hand on his knee as she took a sip of her coffee. “I’m glad Cas joined us.”

 

“Me too.” Dean drank a bit of his coffee then let his arm balance on his knee with the mug. The wafting steam of it swirled about in the cool air and was gone. 

 

“I think we need to make sure that he doesn’t do anything foolish.” She looked at him pointedly.

 

“Did he tell you his plans, because I haven’t gotten a straight answer out of him beyond  _ I’m going to eradicate the Croatoan virus? _ ” Dean said the last bit in his best low-toned Cas imitation.

 

She turned a little so her back was pressed to the porch post that framed the stairs. Mary sucked in a deep breath and said, “I haven’t, but sometimes you just know. He thinks he’s responsible for so much. That kind of guilt makes a person do incredibly stupid things, things that have long ranging consequences.”

 

Dean watched her, the crinkles that formed at the corner of her eyes as she spoke, the way her mouth formed a thin line when she didn’t speak. He read much in that. “We talked a little this morning. I’m doing my best to keep an eye on him.” Then Dean remembered that he needed to warn her about the dreams that Lucifer might send her way. “How’ve you been doing? Sleeping okay?”

 

Her brows came together in consideration. “Is this about Lucifer?”

 

“Uh, yeah. How’d you know?” Dean turned a little more toward her. His posture was a mirror to hers.

 

“Cas pulled me aside for a conversation, your brother too.” She smiled. “So you don’t need to worry. We’re both on board with the no possessing plan.”

 

Dean smiled back. “So no weird dreams?”

 

She looked away. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

 

He reached out to her and said, “You wanna talk about it?”

 

She looked at him a moment before saying, “Not really.” She paused again and added, “He looked like John when he was young. He told me we could be together again. I didn’t say yes.” She took a sip of her coffee.

 

“Anything else?”

 

“Yeah,” She dipped her head a little and cupped the mug between her hands. “He said he could make it so you and Sam weren’t hunters anymore. Said he could free you from this.” She waved a hand out in front of her.

 

“Yeah, by killing us. He likely didn’t say how he’d do it. Pretty sure that he knows we won’t kill him as long as he’s riding shotgun with you.” Dean sounded angry as he spoke. “I’m gonna help Cas catch the bastard, put an end to this.”

 

“He doesn’t want that. Cas.” Mary resettled her hand on his knee again. “He worries about your safety just like I do.” She squeezed his knee and said, “Well, maybe a little different from how I worry.”

 

“What’s that mean?” Dean focused on her.

 

“I love you Dean.” She stood up then and added, “I’m not in love with you though.”

 

Dean let out a little snort of dismissal. “Not like that. Cas is family.”

 

“Yeah, John was my family too.” She ruffled his hair a little. “Times sure have changed.” Smiling she walked back into the house. The screen door slapped shut behind her, startling Dean a little.  _ It’s not like that. _ He continued the argument in his head, but he failed to make any of his points stick even when he only had to convince himself. He thought about the years that passed, the infinite conversations, the bond they shared. He thought of the conversation that they had just that day.  _ So, you’ll have a place for me in the bunker and in your life? _ Dean let Cas’ question play out in his head a bit.  _ Of course we’d have a place for him. Already do. _

 

Dean got up and wandered out into the back yard a bit more. He drank down the last of the coffee and held the mug in his hands, siphoning off the last of the warmth from it. He couldn’t shake the idea that Cas was asking after something else. He let the thought spin back to the night after when Dean turned back to the house and saw that Cas had come out onto the porch with a mug of coffee. They made eye contact, and Cas smiled as he strolled down to the yard and Dean’s side. “I got you a fresh mug of coffee.”

 

They traded mugs. “Thanks.” Dean took a sip. It was just as he liked it, a splash of cream and one packet of sugar. “So you told my mom about the Lucifer business?”

 

“I did. It seemed best to make sure they knew right away.” Dean turned back to the distant tree line. Cas moved to his side and settled a hand on his lower back. Dean focused on that point of contact. This wasn’t uncommon between them. Yet it was something to think about. Cas didn’t do this with anyone else and neither did Dean.  _ Well, I do a little.  _ He thought about it more and realized that he really didn’t, at least not in the same way. And even if he did go out of his way to touch those he cared about, those in his family, the effect that it had on him was entirely different. He glanced at Cas quickly and then turned his focus to the drinking of his coffee. They’d almost kissed before, but for some reason, in the weeks that had passed, even with all of his plans made in front of one TV chef after the next, he still managed to think that Cas didn’t think of him in the same way. Sometimes he told himself that Cas couldn’t think that way and that he was just projecting his own desires onto the angel.

 

“Thanks for doing that,” Dean muttered into his mug.

 

“Of course.” Dean could feel a slight motion, a stroke of pressure coming from Cas’ thumb as it moved back and forth on him. “You have a good conversation with your mom?”

 

“Yeah.” He didn’t elaborate at first, thought it might be best to never elaborate. Then he looked at Cas and added, “She said you’re in love with me.”

 

“Did she?” It wasn’t confirmation or denial. His tone didn’t change. He also just stared off at the tree line that both of them were using at varying points to avoid seeing anything in the other that might be too much.

 

Dean watched him now though. “Yeah, she did.”

 

Cas just hummed out a response but didn’t say a real word. They stood out there for a time. The air was growing colder. Dean tipped his head back to look at the sky. There were storm clouds gathering. “It’s gonna snow,” Cas pointed out needlessly.

 

“Maybe we should go in.” Dean turned a little toward Cas and smiled. Cas smiled back. 

  
“Of course.” Cas’ eyes seemed to almost glow with the grey sky above him.


	7. O Holy Night

The night came on them and dinner was a raucous event. Sam’s hair was still in braids. Cas actually did a good job. Alex’s braids also looked nice. Pretty much everyone in the house had braids now, except for Dean, which meant he had to pick on them all for being a bunch of princesses. 

 

“It’s a skill old man,” Claire said as she flicked a pea at him from her spoon.

 

“One I won’t ever need.” He ran a hand through his short hair and added, “At least with the braids it’ll be harder for anyone to get a good grip on your hair during a fight.” Dean waved a hand at Sam’s head.

 

“Cas needs some braids.” Alex waved a fork at Cas. “Your hair is just long enough.”

 

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Cas said from his seat beside Dean. He had an empty plate in front of him. His leg was pressed to Dean’s at the side. 

 

“Oh, come on Cas. Don’t you wanna be like the rest of the gang?” Dean laughed and gave him a bump with his elbow.

 

“You find them to be foolish,” Cas grumbled out.

 

“Nah, just something to pick on everyone about.” Dean elbowed him again and smiled. “I’ll braid you up after dinner if ya want.” He turned to Claire and added, “You’re gonna have to walk me through it.”

 

“Sure, Dean. That was a swift turnaround there.” Claire was grinning up a storm across from him. For that matter, so were the rest of them.

 

“Jodes this is awesome.” Dean scooped up a too large bite of the casserole and ate it. He smiled at her around it.

 

“Looking forward to what you make for us tomorrow. I’ll be up early enough to lend a hand,” Jody said.

 

Mary said, “Me too. I won’t be much help, but I’m sure I could cut up some stuff. I’m good with knives.” She smiled at him, a brightness seemed to come from her.

 

Dean felt the warmth of the moment and said, “I’m officially banning all of you from the kitchen. This is my dinner.”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Claire said.

 

“Wow, Claire.” Jody gave her arm a little punch. It was all in good humor. “Well, on that note, I move that we all venture on out to the porch for some eggnog and relaxation.” Jody got up and started pouring glasses full of the eggnog. She handed the first two glasses to the girls. They wandered out ahead of the rest. She pulled out some spirits and added that to the remaining glasses. “A little extra cheer for the rest of us.”

 

Dean smiled as he took his glass and said, “Thanks, Jodes.” 

 

“You’re really gonna keep using that nickname, huh?”

 

“Until you formally tell me to stop.” Dean turned to Cas and said, “You coming?” He noticed that Cas had a glass of eggnog in his hands too, and he wondered if he’d try it.

 

“Of course.” They all wandered out to the porch and found spots on old wicker furniture and a porch swing. Dean chose the swing and the others picked out their spots. Cas stood in the doorway and didn’t commit to a seat. The spot next to Dean seemed like the obvious choice for him, but he just lingered there as if waiting for an official invitation.

 

“You gonna sit, Cas?” Dean called over to him.

 

“I was considering my options.” He walked over to the swing though and picked up the blanket that was on the seat next to Dean. He sat down and put the blanket on his lap. He took a sip of the eggnog and grimaced. “You like this?”

 

“There are more efficient ways to get drunk, but this is not a bad way to get there.” Dean took another sip.

 

“It is strange.” Cas settled the cup and his hand on the blanket. 

 

“You think all food is strange.” Dean stretched out and slung his arm over the back of the swing behind Cas. 

 

“This is particularly strange. It seems odd that humans at some point thought that these ingredients should be combined in this manner.” Cas rocked his feet a little and the swing moved with his efforts. 

 

“Betcha think that about a lot of things.” Dean let his hand slip up onto the swing back behind Cas’ shoulder. He let his fingers brush the rough material of Cas’ trench coat. 

 

Sam piped up from across the porch, “We just need a little Christmas music out here to set the mood.”

 

“Arg,” Dean rolled his eyes, “I’m fine with a little Metallica if you wanna set the mood.”

 

Alex and Claire got up at exactly the same moment. “We got this,” Claire said. They both moved into the house and left the door open. The screen slapped shut behind them.

 

“They’ve been waiting for their opening Dean, and you just gave it to them,” Mary said.

 

Then the sound of the piano being played especially well, flowed out to them. They were playing some Christmas song that he didn’t know right off, “Hark the Herald Angels Sing,” maybe. He glanced at Cas and saw him smile. “You gonna whip out a harp and join them.”

 

“You really want to believe that I play the harp.” Cas turned to him more fully. Their faces were close.

 

“It’s an angel thing.”

 

“I’m not a typical angel.”

 

“That you aren’t.” Dean settled his hand on Cas’ shoulder and gave him a squeeze.

 

The song changed, and Mary started to sing,

 

O holy night!

The stars are brightly shining

It is the night

Of the dear Savior's birth!

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till he appear'd and the soul felt His worth

A thrill of hope

The weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks

A new and glorious morn!

Fall on your knees

Oh hear the angel voices

Oh night divine

Oh night when Christ was born

Oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine

 

Chains shall He break

For the slave is our brother

And in His name all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy

In grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us praise His holy name

Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise Thee

Noël, Noël

Oh night, Oh night divine

Noël, Noël

Oh night, Oh night divine

Noël, Noël

Oh, oh night, oh night divine

 

Sam joined her midway through, then one by one the rest joined in until just Dean was quiet and listening. Cas sang at his side, his clear baritone flowed out over the night. Dean felt the tone of his words more than the words themselves. They covered him and sent his skin into slight shivers that had nothing to do with the cool night air. 

 

Cas seemed to notice the shivering and handed Dean his drink. Dean took it as Cas spread out the blanket over them both. Dean set his own empty glass on the porch near his feet. He drank what was left of Cas’ eggnog and rocked the swing along with Cas. He could have sworn that Cas had gotten closer to him as he had set the blanket on them. He felt warmer now. 

 

The girls played something else, “Silent Night.” Sam sang that one and everyone listened. The song shifted at the end, and everyone looked at each other with some confusion. “What’s that one?” Jody asked.

 

Dean felt a smile spreading over his face. “That would be ‘Unforgiven’ you heathen. How do you not know that one?” Dean started singing, and it wasn’t the most beautiful thing, but it got a small cheer from inside the house. When they finished playing and Dean finished singing, The girls came out and gave a little bow. 

 

“So you liked that one, huh Dean?” Alex asked.

 

“You are now the only people I’ll trust with Christmas music.” They all laughed. Jody got up and stretched out, and Mary did the same.

 

Dinner had gotten off to a late start and the time on the porch had pushed them into the 9 o’clock hour. “I’m heading off to bed,” Mary said. 

 

Jody said, “Me too.”

 

“Way too early for sleep.” Claire looked from one to the next.

 

“Yeah, maybe for you.” Jody gave each of them a hug. “Don’t stay up all night.”

 

She and Mary went into the house. Sam moved to a different seat and stretched his legs out onto a wicker ottoman. “You two wanna get us a refill?” He shook his glass at Claire.

 

“Wow, Sam sounds like you’re supporting child labor,” Claire snatched the glass from him, but she also came over to Dean and took his glass too and handed it to Alex.

 

“Funny you’re only a child when it could get you out of work.” Sam dodged the fist she sent his way with a laugh. Once they were back in the house, Sam leveled a gaze on Dean. “Just wanted to let you know that the dreams have started. Didn’t want to mention it while the girls were out here.”

 

Dean started to lean forward, “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, he can’t hurt me there. I think Chuck limited what he could do. I’m not getting the full on hallucinations.”

 

“But the dreams are there? He’s trying to get you to say yes?” Dean tried to school his worry into something less intense.

 

“Yeah. Cas warned me though, so I was expecting it. It would be nice if we could figure out some sort of warding against this.” Sam started to run his hand up into his hair, but it was braided. He ended up just fiddling with the ends of it. 

 

“I’ll do some research on the warding. Maybe Rowena has something she could work out for us.” Cas shifted minutely. “It also wouldn’t be the worst thing if you all got your anti-possession tattoos.”

 

“Been meaning to do that,” Sam said. “Seems like whenever there’s down time, we’re nowhere near a tattoo parlor.”

 

“Seems like you should maybe prioritize this a bit. I don’t see how you all haven’t found the time to get this done.” Cas sounded entirely judgemental.

 

“I’ve got mine,” Dean said all proud in an effort toward lowering the tension.

 

“Well, you should encourage your brother to make time to get his. Claire, Alex, Jody, and Mary need this too. We should make a family trip into town tomorrow for this.” Cas looked from Dean to Sam for support.

 

“I’ll be making dinner, but you all can go. I need a little peace. Don’t want you all taking over my kitchen space.”

 

Sam said, “Well the family that gets tattooed together…” Claire and Alex came back out to the porch with their drinks.

 

“What were you saying about tattooes?” Claire asked.

 

Cas answered, “You’re all going into town tomorrow to get anti-possession tattoos.”

 

“Oh, maybe we could add another tasteful piece or two after.” Claire gave Alex a pointed look.

 

Sam said, “I’m pretty sure that Jody will have some thoughts on that. We’re just going for the anti-possession one.”

 

“Well, maybe we should just go into town tonight and get it taken care of,” Claire said. “It’ll take too long for them to do all of us tomorrow. Mary and Jodes can get theirs tomorrow.”

 

“Not the worst plan ever,” Sam said as he stood. He stalked over to Dean and handed him the eggnog. Dean had to move his arm from the back of the swing to take the second glass. “Here. I’m gonna take the girls into town, get this done.” He looked to Cas then and added, “Maybe you’ll passively judge me a little less.”

 

“It was a pretty direct judgement, I thought.” Cas lowered his voice then and said, “I just don’t want anything to happen to the people I care about.”

 

“You weren’t wrong. Shoulda taken care of this ages ago.” Sam turned to the girls, “So ya ready to get tatted up?”

 

“Hell yeah!” They left together on that note and this left Cas and Dean alone on the porch swing with several empty seats around that they could move to. Neither moved. Dean set the swing to rocking again. He handed Sam’s drink to Cas so he could return his arm to the back of the swing.

 

“I mentioned that he needed to get the tatt. He really has been busy,” Dean offered up.

 

“I don’t think that you two worry enough about self-preservation. It is quite stressful for those on the outside.” Cas turned a little to him. 

 

“Sorry, Cas.” Dean settled his hand back onto his shoulder again. Cas moved a little closer to Dean.

 

“Just make sure to take care of yourselves then you don’t have to apologize.” Cas tipped his head a little into the crook of Dean’s arm. 

 

“You too, Cas. Going off with Crowley and Rowena isn’t exactly you being careful.” Dean let his thumb stroke a smooth arc back and forth over Cas’ shoulder. He finished off the eggnog.

 

Cas handed him the new glass after he set his now empty glass on the windowsill next to them. “I’m careful. They have roughly the same goals that we do. We might have to deal with them eventually, but for now, they are on the right side of things.”

 

Dean slid his hand up to the back of Cas’ neck. He massaged at the muscles there. “And when Lucifer is gone, what then?”

 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

 

“That’s right,  _ we’ll cross that bridge… _ ” Dean leaned in closer, “Not just your problem. We do this together. Don’t cut me out.”

  
“Okay.” They stared at each other like that for longer than would be comfortable for most. They weren’t like most though. They communicated volumes in the space of those moments. Dean sucked in the warmth of Cas’ proximity and felt a deep sense of joy blossoming in his stomach from just being here in this moment.  _ Shit. _ He knew what this was, this dawning realization.  _ Shit. _


	8. Stuck in the Kitchen with You

Dean went off to bed and Cas followed him. He shed most of his clothes and got under the blankets. Cas hovered at the window, staring off at the night sky full of stars. Dean watched him as his body grew warm in the nest of blankets. Sam hadn’t come home yet with the girls, but it was still pretty early.

 

He rolled onto his side and didn’t hide the fact that he was staring. Cas turned from the window and looked down at him. “You should sleep, Dean. You have a full day tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah, we both do.” Dean pulled back the covers. “You should rest too.”

 

“I don’t require rest.” Cas looked down at the bed then back up to Dean’s eyes.

 

“Humor me.” He patted the bed.  _ What the hell am I doing? _

 

Cas took off his coat and toed off his shoes. He settled into the bed beside Dean. He turned to face Dean. “Tomorrow’s important.”

 

“Well duh, it’s Christmas Eve.” Dean pulled the blankets up over their shoulders.

 

“It’s a holy night. Nights like Christmas hold added importance because so many people have decided that they’re sacred. A spell holds greater promise on a night like that.” Cas reached out to Dean and brushed his fingers along his temple.

 

Dean moved closer, craving the touch of his fingers, his hand, the taste of him. He wanted to kiss him. He could acknowledge that now. Yet something held him back. “Why are you telling me this?”

 

“I’ll stay through dinner, then I have to go.”

 

“No way. You said you’d stay. You said you’d stay, Cas.” 

 

“It’ll be brief. I’ll be back before you know I’m gone.”

 

“Not good enough. Where do you need to go that’s so all fired important that you can’t stay through Christmas?” Dean pushed himself up into a sitting position.

 

“I’ll be back as soon as possible. I can’t tell you more than that until it’s done. You tend to worry when you don’t need to do so.” Cas propped himself up on an arm and stared right back.

 

“I need to know what you’re doing Cas.”

 

“I’ll be fine and so will everyone else. I also told you that I’d come back. I always keep my word with you. I need you to trust me, Dean. Please just trust me.” He reached out to Dean again and cupped his cheek in his hand.

 

“I do trust you, but…”

 

“There can’t be a but on the end of that sentence. You either trust me or you don’t.” Cas’ thumb moved back and forth. “If you trust me, lay down and go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning, just like I was this morning.”

 

Dean laid back down. He reached out to Cas and watched his face that was just a few scant inches from his own. He watched him until his eyes grew heavy and sleep won him over.

 

* * *

 

Morning came, and Cas was still beside him in the bed waiting for him to wake up. Dean stretched out languidly and Cas watched him. Dean waited a moment longer before getting out of the bed, wondering if Cas would reach out to him again as he had during the night. Dean finally got up without getting what he wanted. 

 

Dean left Cas behind in the room and ventured out into Jody’s empty kitchen. It was going to take the better part of the day to put together a proper Christmas Eve dinner.  _ Best get crackin’.  _ Dean pushed aside the worries about Cas’ choices, the going away that was supposed to be nothing. He told Cas he trusted him, so he chose to live in that trusting space. He pulled out the herbs needed to make the roux and began chopping.

 

Eventually the kitchen became warm and cozy with his efforts. The smell of sage and rosemary intermingled and wafted up to his nose with each stir of the stuffing mix. He smiled as he added more melted butter to the bread cubes, then the broth. Everyone was stirring now and making their varied ways through the house and the kitchen. He could hear them talking in the living room. Cas was easy to pick out from the sea of voices, his deep gravelly tones always found Dean’s ear. Cas strolled into the kitchen not long after the others had made their presence known. He was a little disheveled as always. 

 

“Mornin’ sunshine.” Dean smiled and determined in that moment to just keep on using that moniker for Cas until it stopped making him smile. Dean kept stirring the stuffing which was now well and truly coated in herbs, butter, and broth. Dean stared down at the mix and thought that it might actually need just a little more in the herb department anyway.

 

“Morning Dean.” Cas settled into one of the stools that was on the other side of the counter. 

 

“Penny for your thoughts,” Dean looked down at the bowl in front of him and the collection of unprepared herbs next to it. He had marjoram and thyme that might add a bit to the flavor. 

 

“Jody is unhappy about Sam’s trip to the tattoo parlor with the girls last night. We should disavow all knowledge if we want to live.” 

 

“Well, we might have to take some credit.” Dean laughed a little and added, “I might throw you under the bus on this one. Not like she can hurt you.”

 

“You wouldn’t.”

 

“I might.” Dean looked at him steadily for a moment and said, “Wanna pull the leaves off that and toss it in the bowl? Might not be much of a mission, but it’s helpful.” The sprigs of thyme sat on the cutting board next to Cas. Dean waved a hand at them to signify what he meant. Cas looked down at them and proceeded to pull the tiny leaves off the stems.

 

“Have you changed your mind after last night?” Cas looked up from his efforts with the thyme, his fingers still clutching a few tiny leaves.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean about wanting me to come back. I get if you don’t want that, if you can’t trust me.”

 

“You belong here.” Dean waved a hand around then. “I mean, with us.”

 

“I don’t know that I do. I wonder sometimes what purpose I’ll have once Lucifer has been dealt with. I barely have any real purpose anymore, so I feel…” He set down the thyme and pressed his palms to the counter.

 

“You’ve got plenty of purpose, Cas.” Dean picked up the dishtowel that was on the counter next to him and dried off his hands. He walked over to Cas and set a hand gently on his shoulder. “We’d be lost without you.” His words were quieter than he intended. He felt like he needed to say more, but what could he say that would fix a feeling? 

 

“Well, I appreciate that. I just…” He stopped again and really looked at Dean. 

 

Dean decided to lighten the mood. “Well, there is this meal. I’d welcome the help if you’re game.”

 

“Thought you banned everyone from this space.” Cas tipped his head to the side, and Dean let his hand fall from his shoulder.

 

“Yeah, well, everyone except you.” Dean walked back to the bowl to busy himself. “Of course, if you end up singing a bunch of crappy Christmas songs or dropping hot plates I’ll rethink things and kick your ass out.” Dean looked back at him and smiled.

 

“I’ve heard that Christmas songs were mandatory today.”

 

“Really, who told you that?” Dean reached over and took the loose pile of thyme leaves from in front of Cas.

 

“Jody and your mom. I think Sam was in the process of making a mixtape yesterday, and the girls were giving us a preview with the piano playing.” Cas began picking the last of the leaves from the remaining thyme and Dean stirred his stuffing. 

 

“Well, just don’t start singing the crappy ones.” 

 

Cas seemed to hum in agreement, but Dean noted that he didn’t say okay or even yes.

 

* * *

 

The turkey was in the oven, a rub of herbs and butter had covered it. He was working on a pie at the moment, pecan. He had Cas crushing pecans as he rolled out the dough. He had a pan on the stove ready for the nuts, sugar and butter. There were more ingredients on the table. Cas was going to take care of that. Dean decided that he would be able to trust him with following directions.

 

This was the second pie. His efforts with the Angel Pie had been successful. Cas had helped by zesting a lemon and beating the whipping cream into fluffy white clouds. Dean had hummed throughout the process and had even felt like everything was actually good and might have the potential to always be that way. Cas had asked what kind of pie they were making, and Dean had muttered, “Angel Pie,” in what he hoped would be inaudible, but Cas had angel ears, so failure.

 

Cas kept working, a big shit-eating grin on his face while Dean felt all of the heat of the world in his cheeks. The pie came together and went into the fridge to set. The meringue crust looked just right, and the lemon curd in the middle was beautifully tart and sweet at the same time. Dean had scooped out a little dab of it from the bowl and held it out to Cas. “What?”

 

“Taste it.” Dean waved it a little under Cas’ nose.

 

He opened his mouth and Dean put the spoon in. “Hmm,” Cas smiled around the spoon.

 

“Good huh?” Dean pulled the spoon out and set it on the counter. “The meringue is the part that I like best.” He had saved a small piece of the cooked meringue on the counter. He picked it up and held it in front of Cas’ lips. “Here, try this.” Cas opened his mouth and Dean put the meringue in. The feel of Cas’ lips on his fingertips was maybe the most sensual thing Dean could imagine in the moment. He found himself moving closer just for the hell of it. 

 

Dean’s hand came away from Cas’ mouth, but Cas reached up and took his hand. While looking at his fingers, still dusted with a little of the meringue crumbs, Cas brought Dean’s fingers back to his mouth. “You’re right. The meringue is the best part.” He licked the end of Dean’s index finger.  _ Whoa, that just happened. That just happened. _ Dean felt his heart kicking up into something like a hard rock rhythm, not like anything that Vincente guy would have appreciated.  _ Fucking Ladyheart. _ Cas moved his efforts to the middle finger and licked the crumbs from that finger too.  _ He knows what he’s doing here. He has to know. _ Dean wanted to push him back into the counter, feel the solidness of his body. 

 

Dean stuttered out, “I should have set aside more meringue crust for you. Seems unfair that you’re only getting the crumbs.”

 

“This is good.” He smiled like he was enjoying Dean’s reaction just a little too much. “Seems quite fair to me.”

 

A little shudder ran through Dean’s entire body. Cas let his hand go. He licked his lips and made no effort toward moving away from Dean. Cas leaned in a little, and Dean thought,  _ He’s so close.  _ Dean felt his own body moving toward him, like gravity and the universe were intent on just getting them together. He felt words rolling up his throat, and he wanted so desperately to just shut the fuck up, but he was Dean. And Dean does not always get what he wants. “Wait’ll you try it all together.” It wasn’t a harmful statement, just not helpful. The sentence sat between them preventing either from bridging the gap. 

 

A noise at Cas’ back startled them away from each other. Alex smiled at them from the doorway. “I’m here for coffee and light entertainment. Feel free to keep doing what you’re doing.” She walked over to the far counter and poured herself a large mug, adding no cream or sugar. Alex lingered a moment then took her coffee into the other room. This seemed to open up the floodgates. Now everyone just had to have coffee. In fairness, it was the only location with coffee. It didn’t excuse the length of time each one spent, smelling the oven area or poking fingers in his dough. Claire lingered the longest. 

 

“You need some help?” she asked.

 

“Nope, move along.” Dean flicked some flour at her. The specks of it dotted her cheeks like freckles. 

 

“Why does Cas get to stay?”

 

“Cas gets to stay because he’s not an annoying teenager.” Dean had a rolled out mass of pie dough sitting on the counter in front of him. He started the process of moving the dough to the pie tin. It would be the beginning of the pecan pie that they had been sort of working on.

 

Jody came in and stood behind Claire, not even pretending to move to the coffee. “Need some help?” 

 

Dean looked at her as he gently set the dough in the tin. “Nope. Banished.” He nodded to the door.

 

Jody laughed and Claire said, “Jody’s not an annoying teenager. Why’s she banished?” Her mouth curled up into a slight grin like she was catching him in a lie or something.

 

“Jody deserves a break, and me cooking is my thanks. If she’s in here, what kind of thanks would that be?” Dean looked down at the freshly laid pie dough and smiled at it. He moved from behind the counter and started to usher Claire and Jody out of the kitchen. As they got near the door, Sam came in.

 

“Smells good, Dean.” He then turned to Cas. “Hey Cas.” He gave him a little wave, and Cas waved back.

 

“Goddamnit, people. What part of banned don’t you all understand. Out of the kitchen, all of you.” Dean was making a wild wave at the doorway. 

 

Claire started laughing. “Why is Sam banned. Doesn’t he need to show Jodes some gratitude?” Now Jody was laughing too, and Dean just couldn’t see what was so goddamn funny.

 

“Sam cooks for shit. I ain’t having him messing up my meal. Now out. Stop bothering me.” They all did as Dean wanted, but he could still hear them laughing about it in the other room.

 

He could hear Claire in the other room saying, “It’s like he doesn’t even see it. It’s great.”

 

He poked his head around the corner and said, “What don’t I see?”

 

They all laughed harder. Mary came down the stairs and joined them. “What’s so funny?”

 

“Nothing, nothing. We’re just picking on Dean.” Jody set a hand gently on Mary’s shoulder and smiled. “Seems we really are all banned from the kitchen except for Cas. He gets to stay.” Mary looked at Dean then with a raised brow. 

 

“I don’t see why that’s so funny. You all just want to get your sampling mitts on my food. Least Cas doesn’t eat, so I don’t have to worry about him.” And of course Dean chose that moment to turn and see Cas hovering at his shoulder, mouth full of pecans.

 

Everyone started laughing again. Cas said around the mouthful. “I was curious about their taste.”

  
“Really Cas?” Dean just rolled his eyes and wandered back to the counter to finish making the pie.


	9. Time

Everyone went out for last minute afternoon shopping and likely to get away from Dean. While they were out Sam was supposed to take Mary and Jody to the tattoo parlor for their anti-possession tattoos. At least they had seemed to accept the necessity easily, and no one was murdered for taking the girls out the night before.

 

Cas for his part was still quiet and focused on whatever task Dean had for him. Everything was pretty much ready or cooking, and Dean was really just trying to look busy in an effort toward keeping Cas in the room. As time passed though, he knew that it was obvious that things didn’t need doing anymore. 

 

“Wanna go for a walk?” Dean drummed at the counter, a wave of fingers up then down. 

 

“Okay.” Cas agreeing came with no thought. He sounded pleased even in that one word. 

 

Dean moved off to the hall to retrieve a coat and some gloves that he’d left on the hall table. Cas stood off to the side waiting as Dean got dressed. “We’ll need to get back within the hour. Don’t want the turkey going unattended for too long. Plus, I gotta guard the other grub from everyone when they get back.”

 

“They’ll likely be gone for a long while. I’ve heard today is a big shopping day.”

 

“Yeah, nothing like waiting ‘til the last minute.” Dean stalked off to the door and Cas followed. A thin layer of snow blanketed the world around the house. Dean let out a small puff of foggy air and wandered off toward the sidewalk. Cas moved to his side and they walked together. Dean could feel the warmth of him, the steady presence that was more comfort than he cared to admit on most days, but after last night, he thought that he might be more willing to admit to quite a bit that he hadn't been willing to even consider before.

 

He tried to imagine what it would be like to have Cas choose heaven or some nebulous mission that would draw him to the far side of the world. He shook his head against the vision. He supposed that it was possible that after all of the business with Lucifer was resolved that Cas might leave, go back to heaven. He'd said that it might be up to Crowley and Rowena to bat cleanup. That would only be necessary if Cas thought that he'd be unavailable or back in heaven.

 

“You okay?” Cas interrupted his thoughts.

 

“Sure. Why’d you ask?” Dean looked at him and gave him a small smile. 

 

“You’ve been rather quiet. You also looked troubled just now.” 

 

Dean had been troubled, but it wouldn’t likely do any good to talk about it. Then again, “I’m worried you’re gonna choose to leave.”  _ There, it’s been said. Shit. I said that. Damnit, what if he wants to leave? I’m guilting him into staying. Shit.  _ “Sorry, I just meant that…”

 

Cas cut him off. “I’m not going anywhere. I made half that meal, so I should stay and see the outcome.”

 

Dean laughed half-heartedly. “Not what I meant.”

 

“I know,” Cas said as they turned a corner and made their way down a more rural street. There were woods in the distance. Dean wondered if that was where Cas wanted to walk. The back of Cas’ hand was brushing the back of his own. He could feel it even through his gloves. It sent little sparks of pleasure shooting through him. “Why are you worried about me leaving?”

 

_ Oh, how to answer… _ ”You did say that you'd be leaving after dinner.”

 

“Yes, but I said I'd come back.” Cas didn’t sound particularly pleased. Dean cast a glance at him and waited for more. “I always come back. Haven’t you noticed that? Seems no matter what is endeavoring to pull me from you, I always find my way back to you.”

 

“I keep thinking that maybe one of these times won’t be like the others.”

 

“Oh.”

 

When he didn’t add to the response Dean felt the intense desire to fill the silence. “It’s weird when you aren’t around. It’s like I’m always looking at my phone for a text saying that you’ll be back soon. Then when you don’t text, I’m thinking, what’s Cas up to, is he okay. Ya know. I just think things are better when you’re around. You’re family.”

 

“Oh.” It was said in the same tone as before, and Dean wondered why. It was almost sad.

 

“Are you upset about that or something?”

 

“No.” 

 

“Then what’s with the tone?” They stepped off the curb and Cas walked with some purpose toward the trees. 

 

“I think sometimes that’s enough.” He looked off into the distance and took a deep needless breath before continuing. “I’m not sure that it is anymore, though. I had family in heaven. Family, in my experience, doesn’t always work out so well for me.” 

 

“We’re not like them.” Dean felt something like anger curling up inside him.  _ I’m nothing like the angels. Nothing. They kicked him out of heaven, tried to kill him. I’m nothing like… _ “Shit.”

 

“What Dean?”

 

“God, I’m sorry.” The path through the woods wasn’t covered in snow. The trees were too thick. Dean couldn’t face him. He stalked off at a faster clip through the woods, leaving Cas behind.

 

He felt Cas’ hand grab his arm, whipping him around. “Dean!”

 

“I’m so sorry,” he said again. He couldn’t even look at Cas. He just stared at his feet. Up ahead on the path was a clearing and a fallen tree. Cas dragged him to it. Dean could smell the trees and the rich heady aroma of the wet earth. It gave him something to focus upon.

 

“Sit.” Cas pushed him down to the tree, and Dean sat there. Cas moved to his side and sat down. “What are you sorry about?”

 

He had his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean thought that he might be able to get up, make an attempt at an escape. He started to get up, but Cas held him in place. “Cas, I should head back. The turkey.”

 

“It’s nowhere near done. Talk to me.” Cas gave his shoulder an extra squeeze to encourage him.

 

“I’m no different from them.” Dean stared off across the clearing.

 

“Oh.” Cas let his hand drop. A moment passed then his hand came back to Dean’s shoulder. “Dean.”

 

Dean glanced at him. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

 

“You’re nothing like them. Not in any way are you like them.” Cas’ thumb moved back and forth over his shoulder. 

 

“I beat you. I kicked you out when you were human. I haven’t been there for you at all. God, man, I…” Cas stopped him.

 

“Dean, no.” He moved his hand up to Dean’s face. “If ever there was a person in all this world that made me feel…” He looked away and let his hand fall back to his side. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

 

They stayed silent like that for a time, Cas’ hand warm and strong on Dean's cheek just moments ago seemed to still be there, holding him together. “Well, this walk took a turn.” Dean tried to lighten the moment.

 

“That it did.” Cas got up and walked to the center of the clearing. He tipped his head back and looked up at the sky. It was like the night before, but now with sun filtering down to him, Cas looked more celestial than human. Snowflakes began drifting down all around him. Dean got up and stared at him.

 

He took a step toward him, then another, and another until he was at his side. Dean tipped his head back too and looked at the sky. The snow drifted down slowly like feathers on a breeze. Dean wondered if Cas was thinking about heaven, about leaving when he looked up at the sky like that. “We really should head back.”

 

“Yeah.” Cas looked at Dean.

 

They started to meander back down the path, side by side. Dean bumped Cas a little as they walked. “For what it’s worth, I hope you never go back to them. I hope you decide you belong here.” Cas didn’t say anything to that, but he did bump Dean back as they walked along. Dean added, “And if you need convincing, just ask. I’ll make a solid effort.” He looped an arm up over Cas’ shoulder and they walked along together like that. When they got close to the house, Dean slid his arm off of Cas with a grin and said, “I’m gonna have you toss the salad when we get back.”

 

“Whatever you need.” Cas leaned down to the snow and scooped up a small handful. He tossed it at Dean’s face.

 

“Jerk,” Dean sputtered out past the slush. He scooped up his own handful and tossed it back. Neither of them made much effort with their throwing. Neither of them made much effort with their dodging either. Dean managed to get Cas on the side of his head. Dean suspected that Cas had let it happen since he smiled through the impact.

 

They got to the front yard and Cas looked past Dean with some laser sharp focus. “Someone’s coming.” He pointed.

 

Dean turned, but didn’t see anyone. Then, as he turned back to Cas, he found his body was being hurled with some speed to the snow-covered ground. Cas had a handful of snow that he dropped onto Dean’s face. “What the…” Cas dropped more snow. Dean squirmed beneath him but couldn’t escape. Cas had his legs on either side of Dean’s hips and seemed like he was in no hurry to leave this position.

 

“That was enjoyable.” When Cas got up, it was done as swiftly as he had knocked Dean down. He even reached down to help Dean up. Once up, Dean decided to try for some payback. He let Cas get a few steps toward the house when he ran at him and tried to knock him over. Literally nothing came of it. Cas just stood stock still. “That was your best effort wasn’t it?”

 

“Can’t fault me for trying.” Dean shrugged. They walked back into the house. They took off their coats and hung them up. The house was warm, and it smelled of Christmas, stuffing, and so much nostalgia. Dean picked up a towel off the counter when they got back into the kitchen and used it to wipe off his face. Cas just stood off to the side smirking like he was so pleased with himself. “Don’t look so proud. Not like I had a chance.”

 

“I'm just pleased that you even thought you should try,” Cas said with a smugness that made Dean want to try again.

 

“Asshole,” Dean said.

 

Cas began humming happily as he pulled the various items out of the fridge for the next wave of their cooking. Dean found himself humming with him, happy to set aside the thought that Cas was going to leave in just a few hours.

 

The kitchen was warm, and with only the sound of them working filling the silence, a type of peace descended upon them that made Dean bold. They were going to make rolls from scratch. Dean moved alongside Cas and slid over a bowl of dough that he had mixed earlier. It had risen sufficiently and now needed only to be shaped and baked. Dean took half the dough and set it on his floured countertop. He reached into the bowl of flour and sprinkled some in front of Cas. 

 

“Here, you make half, and I’ll make half.” Dean gave a little nod to the second half of the dough. Cas lifted it out of the bowl gently like it was something precious. He set it on the flour and turned his attention to Dean. Dean rolled out the dough into a flatter shape which he planned to cut into rounds. He handed the pin to Cas. “Here ya go.” He added a sprinkle of flour to it for good measure. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Cas sprinkled a little flour onto the mound of dough before rolling it out.

 

Cas moved in a way that seemed practiced. Dean would have sworn that he had done this before, maybe countless times. Dean began cutting his dough and setting it on the baking sheet. Cas’ movements slowed. He was watching Dean and not paying enough attention to what he was doing. His dough was going to be too thin. Dean stopped working with his dough and looked at Cas instead. “Am I doing something wrong?” Cas asked.

 

“Only a little.” Dean moved behind him and reaching around him, reformed the dough into a large oddly shaped mound again. “It was too flat. You’ll need to roll it out again.” Dean rested his chin on Cas’ shoulder as he spoke. Cas brought his hands to the dough, setting aside the pin as he did so. Together they mashed the dough and reformed it until it was a little less oddly shapped. Dean could have gone back to his part of the counter then, but he didn’t.

 

“So I should roll them out to about an inch and a half?” Cas asked with a slight turn of his head. Dean’s nose brushed along Cas’ jaw when he moved. Dean dropped his hands to Cas’ waist. 

 

“Yeah, I’ll tell you if it looks right.” 

 

Cas started rolling the dough, the muscles in his shoulders and back flexing firmly against Dean’s chest. “You could do it yourself too.”

 

“Yeah, but what fun would there be in that?” Dean smiled and felt Cas’ quiet laugh rumble through his body.

 

“I wonder sometimes how things might have been different.” He turned again to face Dean. “If I had met you as a human and not an angel.”

 

“I’d still be in Hell, Cas, so I imagine not good.” Dean nosed at him to get him to continue rolling the dough. “I know what you mean though. I wonder sometimes too.”

 

“I wonder sometimes if it would have been easier.” Cas stared down at the dough in front of him.

 

“In what ways?” Dean was having a hard time focusing on the words though. He let his hands slip a bit more around Cas’ waist in a kind of hug. 

 

Cas hummed a little and kept rolling the dough. When he finally spoke, it was as he was finishing with the pin. He set it aside and rested his palms on the counter on either side of the dough. “We’ve come a long way, you and I.”

 

“We have.” Dean felt Cas lean into him a little. They couldn’t really be any closer. They weren’t actively making the rolls anymore. They were just standing together, Dean all wrapped around Cas like he needed to just hold him there forever. “Stay,” Dean whispered close to his ear.

 

“I’ll come back to you, I promise.” Cas turned a little in his arms and moved his hands to Dean’s chest. 

 

Dean wondered if there was anything he could say to convince him to stay, just stay. Nothing could be so important. “Will you say goodbye, or will I just look up from a plate of turkey and find you gone?”

 

“I’ll let you walk me out to my truck.” Cas moved a hand up to Dean’s cheek and let his thumb sweep back and forth. He smiled a small thin line of a smile. “You don’t have to be afraid. We both want the same thing.”

 

“Thought angels didn’t want for anything.” Dean licked his lips and leaned a little into Cas’ hand. Dean’s eyes slipped closed a little.

 

“I suppose that’s where I’m a little broken. I want. I’m an angel, and I do want…” He didn’t finish what he was going to say. There was noise in the hall as the front door banged open and a sea of bodies flooded the hall.

 

Dean let Cas go and moved back to his spot at the counter. Cas started cutting out the dough rounds. He glanced at Dean across the space between them and brushed at his own cheek. Dean smiled at him remembering the warmth of that hand on him. “Still can’t believe you all thought this was a good idea on Christmas Eve. I mean, who gets a tattoo on a holiday?” Jody moved into the kitchen with her arms loaded down with some bags. “Hey boys.” She looked at Dean and laughed a little. “Ya got a little something on you there.” Jody motioned to her face and then her chest as a mirror for him.

 

Mary, Sam, Alex, and Claire poured into the kitchen behind Jody all loaded down with bags. Sam laughed, “Wow, smells good in here. You all have any fun or was Dean just like, work, work, work the whole time?”

 

Cas tipped his head to the side and said, “Preparing the meal has been enjoyable.”

 

Dean swiped at his face and looked down at his chest. Two big flour hand prints were pressed to his chest. He looked at Cas and said, “Cas knows how to be helpful. You all are still banished. Dinner will be ready in a little less than an hour if you all get out.”

 

They all laughed at him some more and edged past him to the living room. “I’m gonna run up to my room to finish wrapping some of this up.” Mary leaned into Dean and gave him a peck on the cheek as she went.

 

Claire leaned against the counter for a moment and said, “So Cas was getting a little handsy with ya?” She turned to Cas then and added, “You and I need to have the talk?”

 

Dean said, a little roughly, “Out, Claire.”

 

She wandered over to Cas’ side and said, “Just let me know. I’ll clue you in so this guy doesn’t take advantage of you.”

 

And because Dean’s life was sometimes hell, Cas responded, “I am perfectly capable of handling Dean.”

 

Claire laughed and practically skipped out of the room. “You know she’s just gonna repeat that to all of them. We’ll never hear the end of it.”

 

Cas just shrugged and put the last of the rolls on the baking sheet. Dean pulled the Turkey from the oven and put the rolls in in its place. “I’ll go set the table. Looks like we’ll be ready soon,” Cas said. He seemed to pause a moment as he looked out the window at the front yard, then he moved out to the dining room.

 

Dean cleaned up the kitchen and began pulling out the food,  _ too much _ , for the table. Sam wandered back in, clearly not taking Dean seriously when he sent him away the first time. “You doing okay? I volunteer as tribute if you need help setting up.”

 

“Go ahead and pull out the salad and the drinks from the fridge. I was gonna have Cas toss the salad, but you’ll do.”

 

Sam laughed at him, “Yeah, I bet you were gonna have Cas toss the salad.”

 

“You either get to help or make jokes in the living room. Which will it be?” Dean waved a serving spoon at him with a look of complete seriousness.

 

“I’ll keep the jokes to a minimum.” Sam started pulling items from the fridge. “So, is Cas gonna come back to the bunker with us when we leave?”

 

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him.” Dean didn’t mean to sound upset, but he was. “He’s leaving tonight to go deal with the Lucifer business some more.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“He said he’d come back though.” Dean was moving hot dishes onto trivets and cold dishes over to Sam. “Take those out to the table when you get a chance.”

 

“Guess you better make the most of your time then.” Sam came over to Dean and gave him a sideways hug. 

 

“Go take the food out.” Dean didn’t want to have this conversation and was plenty happy to shut it down right then and there. 

 

“Okay then.” Sam moved off with the salad. Dean looked up at the clock and closed his eyes against the time that was dwindling, breathed in the rich scents of the dinner that he and Cas made, and resolved to make it through.


	10. And Gone

The meal went well, and everyone was in good spirits except for Dean. He ate the food, but didn’t taste it. He kept from staring at Cas for too long, worried that it might make him feel a guilt that he didn’t need. He could hear the clock in the kitchen, the one that was made to look like a silly little birdhouse. 

 

Dean remembered the girls getting volunteered for clean-up duty, and Sam offered to help them. Dean couldn’t complain about that, but it did leave him with too little occupation as Mary looped an arm around him and led him to the living room. Jody got a fire going, and Cas sat at the piano. “Everything was just perfect, Dean. You and Cas did a great job.” Mary gave him a small hug. 

 

Cas ran his fingers over the piano keys. Jody came over to him and sat at his side on the piano bench. “You play?”

 

“I can.” He glanced past her to Dean. It was the first bit of eye contact they had since before dinner. Cas looked away and pressed a key. A long note filled the room. 

 

“You should play something.” Jody elbowed him a little. “Something Christmassy.”

 

“Last night the girls played ‘O Holy Night.’ I could play that.” He settled his fingers into position. Jody nodded encouragement. Cas played. Jody sang along and eventually Cas joined her. Mary got up and moved to the piano to join in as well. Dean just stayed where he was and watched. 

 

When they finished the song, Cas turned to Jody and hugged her. “Was that?” She started to ask.

 

“Yes. I hope that was okay.” They separated a little, but Jody kept her hands lightly on him.

 

“It is.” He got up then and hugged Mary. 

 

“Thank you Mary.” When he let her go, she stared at him with some concern.

 

“Is this because you’re leaving?”

 

He looked at her steadily for a moment. “I might not have the opportunity to take care of this later.”

 

“Dean said you’d come back.” Dean got up then and moved closer as his mom spoke. “You told him you’d come back.”

 

“I will. I just needed to do this.” 

 

Sam and the girls came in then. “Everything okay?” Sam asked.

 

“Yeah Sam. Everything’s fine,” Dean said. Cas moved over to Sam and gave him a hug too.

 

When Sam let him go, he raised an eyebrow and said, “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but what’s with the random healing?”

 

“Cas is worried that he won’t have the opportunity to do this again.” Dean waved a hand around in clear frustration. “Which makes tons of sense since he’s going to come back and all.”

 

Claire moved to Cas’ side. “You will come back, right?”

 

“I’ll come back. You don’t need to worry.” He pulled her into a hug then. 

 

“Cas, I don’t understand. What’s with the healing hugs?” 

 

He let her go and moved to Alex. She hugged him before he could hug her. “Thanks man. My leg was killing me. Claire’s a kicker.”

 

“Hey, am not,” Claire said.

 

“Yeah, tell that to my former bruises.” She turned to Cas and added, “For real, thanks.”

 

Cas turned to Dean then and said, “Walk with me.”

 

Dean felt his muscles tense up.  _ It can’t be time. It’s too early.  _ He got up though and moved mechanically toward him. Sam settled a hand on his back as he passed, a little temporary reassurance. Cas motioned toward the kitchen and out to the hall. Dean walked and hoped that it would all be okay. Cas pulled down a coat from the rack for Dean. Dean slipped it on and they went out the front door. Across the street Crowley and Rowena leaned against Cas’ truck. Cas raised a hand to keep them at bay.

 

“I don’t have to leave right now. I can have a few more minutes.” Cas reached out to Dean and guided him down the street with a hand on his elbow. “There is much to be done though, before it gets to being too late.”

 

“Cas, what’s going on. I feel like I should know what’s happening, but it isn’t clear.” They rounded the corner and headed toward the trees again. Dean let Cas guide him. He couldn’t seem to think of any other way to deal with the situation.

 

“I told you that I would be eradicating the Croatoan virus.” They headed down the path through the trees. The air was cold in that way that sinks deep into your bones. Dean stuffed his hands into his pockets. 

 

“You told me, but that really isn’t telling me anything.”

 

They walked onward in silence until they came to the clearing. Cas stopped and turned to face Dean. “What I must do is complicated, but it will fix infinite mistakes. Oddly enough, it will also set your mind at ease.”

 

“What do you mean? My mind’s at ease. Don’t go doing anything stupid in order to set my mind at ease.” Dean’s words fell out of him as if all of the words were one.

 

Cas moved close to him and cupped his face in his hands. “I want to heal you one last time before I go.”

 

“Heal me when you get back.”

 

“No, I need to do this now.” He leaned in close and set his forehead against Dean’s. “Please let me do this.”

 

“Okay, Cas. You can heal me.” Dean practically whispered into the space between them. “Anything you want.”

 

“It means much that you trust me, that you’ve always trusted me even when I gave you no cause to do so.” The warm flow of grace coursed through Dean. He closed his eyes and let his mind fill up with it. 

 

The feeling didn’t retreat from him. It was as though Cas was lingering. “Cas,” Dean murmured as the moment extened on and on.

 

Dean opened his eyes just as Cas leaned into him, brushing his lips against Dean’s own. “My, Dean.” The words were quiet on his lips as he ended the too brief kiss. Dean just looked at him as he took a step back. “We’ll have so much to talk about when I get back.”

 

“I thought angels weren’t allowed to do that.” Dean didn’t know why this was the direction he went, but he had to know. He had pulled back from kissing Cas before because he thought that it wasn’t allowed or wanted or something like that. There were other reasons too, for sure, but Cas’ wishes and desires mattered to him too.

 

Cas’ lip turned up into a smile. “Well, I haven’t been good at following the rules for a long time now have I.” He took a step back and said to the sky, “I’m ready.” With those words, Crowley and Rowena showed up in the clearing. “I’ll be back soon.” Crowley reached out and set a hand on both Cas and Rowena. He gave Dean a sad look that seemed almost like sympathy. 

  
“Don’t let him do anything stupid, Crowley.” Dean got out the words before they snapped out of the space. He thought that he saw Crowley nod in acknowledgement. The clearing was colder and darker now without Cas in it. Dean looked up to the sky and said, “You better be okay, Cas. You better be okay.”


	11. I Choose This

Dean had stayed out in that clearing for over an hour, just waiting for Cas to pop right back to the spot. He didn’t. Dean finally gave up and walked back to the house alone. He crawled up into his bed and waved everyone off. They let him go without the proverbial chat. He could hear them though, all sympathetic tones out in the other room. He thought to himself that he should have taken over Sam’s room upstairs.

 

The night swam on but eventually, it became quiet. Everyone went off to bed, and Dean could finally think. He laid in his bed and stared up at the ceiling, a constant stream of prayers pouring out over his lips for Cas’ well-being. At first, they were all variations on the ‘don’t be stupid’ sentiment. As the night wore on though, they became something else.

 

He prayed for more of the closeness that they had shared that day, their own sort of Christmas miracle. He prayed for him to stay, just stay by his side no matter what. He prayed for Cas to be smart about all of this, whatever this was. He prayed, and in all of the praying, he may have slipped in a feeling or two that he couldn’t outright share with real words spilled out over fresh kissed lips. 

 

As the night lingered, Dean’s eyes closed against the world. He thought only of Cas, of his own body pressed solidly against him in the kitchen. Dean thought of the warmth of him, of the way that he kissed like he thought that it had to be gentle. In his dream he showed Cas that it didn’t have to be so gentle. 

 

When daylight came and Dean’s dreams began to fade, the last bit to linger was the long clear note of Cas singing ‘O Holy Night’ in his deep, rich voice. Dean felt each word of the song tingling over his skin. Even when he heard it all again in the dream the effect was the same. Dean opened his eyes, and somehow knew in that instant that something was off. He sat bolt upright in the bed and tried to collect his thoughts. Something was wrong. 

 

He threw on some clothes and rushed outside. No one had ventured downstairs yet. It was still quite early. Dean rushed out the front door, not bothering to grab a coat or gloves. Everything was crisp and white under the blanket of new fallen snow. Cas’ truck was still there where he had left it. No one was on the street. The world seemed to be entirely empty. It was how it was on most early Christmas mornings. The world was often so serene just after the sun came up. 

 

Dean waited in the midst of all of the quiet. He waited and breathed in the chill morning air. The small puffs of breath wafting out of him seemed to almost obscure what happened in front of him. One moment he was alone, the next, there was Crowley holding up Cas.

 

Dean rushed toward them. “What happened? I told you not to let him do anything stupid.”

 

“You know I can’t control him. He does what he does.” Dean slipped an arm up under Cas’ limp arm, opposite of Crowley’s hold and they walked Cas into the house together.

 

“This way.” Dean nodded toward his room where they laid Cas down on the bed. “What happened to him?”

 

Crowley reached down and pulled the blanket over Cas. “Let’s talk about this out there. He could use the rest.” Dean looked down at Cas and reluctantly followed Crowley out to the living room. Crowley took a seat on the couch, and Dean closed the door to his room behind him. “Sit.”

 

Dean moved to the opposite end of the couch. “What did he do?”

 

“What he’d been doing all along, but this time with more purpose than before.” Crowley leaned forward a bit and rested his arms on his legs, folding his hands in front of him. “He chose to fall.”

 

“He what? Why?” Dean was about to get up, but Crowley reached over and set a hand on his leg.

 

“He’s okay. Just stay. Let me explain.” He let Dean’s leg go and Dean settled back into the couch and focused on him. “He decided that he needed to take the virus out of the equation. Lucifer was toying with it, making it pop up here and there. He was planning to release it to the masses so that he would have a bunch of mindless vegetables as potential vessels walking the earth. No consent needed, just pop into a body, and do your thing.”

 

“That’s a short sighted plan though. Eventually, he’d run out of vessels.”

 

Crowley laughed and said, “The world’s a big place Dean. It would take some time for him to burn through all of them. He’d also likely keep a few uninfected bodies as breeders to keep his stock up.” Dean cringed at the thought. “Somehow Cas could see all of this shaping up. He thought too that even if we got Lucifer back in a cage that we’d still be stuck with the virus. He was already spreading it. Caging him wouldn’t stop it.”

 

“How did Cas stop it?”

 

Crowley looked down at his hands and then back at Dean. “He used his grace. He said that he had tested the theory before. He cured some of the infected.”

 

“Yeah, I saw that.” Dean looked steadily at him. “He let me see it in a dream or something.”

 

“This was a bit broader sweeping than what he did before. My mother helped, worked a spell. Details. Regardless, he’s fallen now. He’ll need some help getting back on his feet.” Crowley got up then and seemed to brush off non-existent dust. “Tell him not to worry about the rest. Rowena and I will be true to our word.”

 

“What’s the rest?” Dean stood and faced him.

 

“I agreed that we’d take care of caging Lucifer. Cas has done enough.” Crowley set a hand on Dean’s shoulder then. “Merry Christmas, Dean.” He gave Dean a slight grin and blinked out of the room.

 

He stood still in the now quiet place and wondered what to do next. Cas was lying in the other room, breathing, sleeping, and being a human.  _ Well fallen angel. _ He walked quietly to the room and slowly opened the door. He took a moment to stare down at Cas as he was, hair a mess, lips permanently chapped and pooched out just a little. Dean came down to his knees and brushed back Cas’ hair. “Gonna sleep all day?” Dean whispered.

 

Cas’ eyes fluttered open. He stared at Dean past dark lashes. “It’s been a long day.”

 

“That it has.” Dean kept brushing back Cas’ hair. “Crowley told me what you did.”

 

“I came back like I said I would.”

 

“You did. I told you not to do anything stupid though. You threw away your grace.” Dean came down closer to him, resting his head on the mattress in front of him.

 

“It wasn’t stupid. It was necessary. And now you know.” Cas reached out to him, setting his hand on Dean’s arm.

 

“Know what?”

 

“What I choose. What I choose every day, for all of time. I choose this. Not heaven, not some distant mission. I choose this.” Cas leaned forward and slid his hand up Dean’s arm to the back of his neck. Dean lifted his head from the mattress. Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s and murmured into the kiss, “I choose this,” again.

 

Dean pulled him up into his arms and kissed him back with the same intensity he had dreamed of before. He tasted him when Cas’ lips parted. He felt the rough scrape of stubble on his cheek as he tipped his head just a little to get impossibly closer. When they parted a little, it was with Dean’s hand firmly clasping the back of Cas’ head, hair threaded through his fingers. Cas had his hands on Dean’s back kneading into him. “So you’ll stay,” Dean breathed out the question between them.

 

“For as long as you’ll let me,” Cas breathed back.

 

Though he had heard Crowley say that Lucifer was his and Rowena’s problem, he knew Cas, knew what he had always done before. “And when they need you to help put Lucifer back in the cage?”

 

“That will be Crowley and Rowena’s problem. If they can’t handle it, I’ll rely on you to keep me from doing anything stupid.” Cas raised his hands and made air quotes. 

 

“And what about you? How are you okay without your grace? I remember what it was before. You were dying. What's to stop that now?”

 

“Before I hadn't made the choice. I was straddling two worlds. The choice matters, that and Rowena's help.”

 

Dean felt a small curl of worry. Nothing from Rowena ever came free. “What did she do?”

 

“She left a small portion of my grace, and it is doing the part of a soul.”

 

“How?” Dean looked at him, all the doubt plain on his face.

 

“I possessed a little of your soul. It has been paired with what's left of my grace.” He looked worried and added, “I should have asked first. I'm sorry. It's what bound us before.”

 

“I’d have said yes.” Dean leaned back to him, pressing their foreheads together. “Guess we both have made choices. Just so you know, I choose this too. I choose you.” He kissed him again, slowly this time so he could savor each moment of it. 

 

“Merry Christmas, Dean.” 

 

Dean laughed at him. “Ya sap.” He planted a quick final kiss to his head as he stood up. “Let's get some breakfast. Then you can sleep.”

 

“Just five more minutes.” With that Cas effectively shut his eyes and rolled over, so Dean wandered off to the kitchen for the necessary coffee.

 

Everything was quiet and somehow at peace. He set the coffee to brew and waited. Dean let out a small breath he’d been holding as he stood at the counter. He planted his palms on the cool surface and leaned his forehead against the cabinet above the coffee pot. The time passed, and his thoughts whirred around some.  _ Cas gave up heaven. _ Dean wondered if he’d regret it.  _ He’s human, mostly. _ Dean found himself smiling at that a little. He wondered if he should feel guilty. The coffee finished brewing and he pulled two mugs from the cabinet.

 

He didn’t know how Cas took his coffee. He figured he’d make it rather sweet, three teaspoons of sugar and enough cream to make it just a bit over tan. As he put the cream back in the fridge, he saw the Angel Pie that they had made the night before. It hadn’t been touched since they’d put it away. He pulled that out and set it on the counter. “Breakfast of champions.” Dean cut out two large slices from the pie and set them on a couple of plates. He set them on the counter as Cas walked into the kitchen. “Sit.” Dean motioned to the stool. Cas sat and looked down at the pie that Dean slid in front of him. “Eat.”

 

“Pie for breakfast?” Cas cocked an eyebrow up.

 

“Yep, don’t knock it ‘til you try it.” Dean sat next to him and picked up Cas’ fork. “Here.” He scooped up a forkful and held it in front of Cas’ mouth.

 

Cas laughed and took the bite. He looked pleased, even letting out a low, groan. “I like this a lot.”

 

“Then expect me to make it for you anytime I want anything.” Dean waggled his eyebrows a little.

 

“I hope that you want a lot.” Cas waggled his eyebrows back, and they both laughed at the moment.

 

“So, you’ll come home with us to the bunker?” 

 

“And anywhere else you go.”

  
Dean reached out and took his hand. He pressed the back of Cas’ hand to his lips. They sat together at the counter drinking their coffee and eating their pie. Dean kept holding Cas’ hand on the counter between them even when everyone finally woke up and joined them in the kitchen. He thought he might be just fine with doing this tomorrow too, and the day after, and the day after that into the rest of his days. 

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for any kudos you feel like leaving and any kind words. You can also find me on Tumblr under the name [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/)


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